I'll be there for you

So I was advised that this week was "Bestie Week", now I'm not going to research this and find out if that is true or not, but in the interest of transparency I thought I would go ahead and let you know. I also do not feel that a specific week needs to be set aside that one needs to realize and recognize that their "person" is important to them. So with that being said, I believe we should recognize every day as bestie day!

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about friendships today and why each one of them is so imperative to our existence. I want to talk about why it is necessary to have people in our lives and why being a "best friend whore" is important (yes Amanda...that one is for you). So lets get to it!

Not every person is brought into your life for a reason, but every person you choose to remain in it has a purpose. This is because these people bring something out in you or fill some kind of void, thus making them a requirement in your life.

One of the biggest mistakes I think people make when talking about their friends is assigning one of them as their "best friend" and the rest are just "friends", making them sound like they are less important and they aren't...no friend would make another friend feel that way. Look at "Sex and the City", who would you say was Carrie's BFF? You can't because she has three! See it's alright to have more than one because people need people!

This year I took a new job, away from all my peeps and the ones that were closer (in proximity), weren't super close and I knew that realistically I would never see them because they are living their own lives and let me tell you what, I felt super lonely. I would spend a majority of my days (when not at work) alone in my apartment (I shouldn't say alone...I had my dog Bentley), but I was lacking human interaction. It was depressing and not a way that one should live their life. I made friends, and from time to time I would get to see my old friends. The phone became my most important accessory...I would talk and text ALL THE TIME. Not that I didn't do that before, but the phone became my lifeline. The fact is people need people because without them...I was a big hot mess in a very dark and twisty kind of place. No bueno!

This is where I will explain why being a "best friend whore" is important. You have to have more than one friend...you should have many full of great quality, not many for the purpose of having great quantity. There are people we meet that it feels like we have known our entire lives, others who immediately you just click with because they get you or think just like you. Some friends are your polar opposite and expose you to things you never would do on your own, therefore making you a more well rounded person. There are friends you go to when you are in desperate need for a good time and others you go to when you are in desperate need of a good cry. Some friends you can go months without speaking to and pick right back up where you left off like no time has passed at all. Some friends you have to talk to every day or it just feels off. Some friends are your girls, some are your guys, some are your sisters or brothers, aunts or mom.

I like to categorize mine with different BFF names. If you are given a nickname by me, that automatically means that I consider you one of my besties. So you are either your nickname (Code for best friend), my person, my bestie, my bff, my sister, my bestie guy friend, my bestie girl friend, my Mommy, my girl, my guy, Handsome, Mixty, Beck, Palin, Terrence, Sis, Sib, Biggy, Trystle, niece, Little Linda, Fry Rye, Little one, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Panda Bear, Kare Bear, Katerax, Joshy, kiddo, pisshole, koala bear, my motherf'ing scientist, c-lowe, my jew, cuz, Jay-Z, honey, honey bunches, rooms, rommie, etc... If your name is shortened and I call you by your full name that's a good sign that you are one of my besties, If I've shortened your name and call you by your first initial, if I have ever been in your wedding party (or if you are planning on me being...yeah I'm working on my 27 Dresses status). Really if I call you by any term of endearment really then you are probably on my VIP BFF list.  I am sure I have left people off, but I hope that if you are one of my BFF's then you know it already.

So regardless of whether or not it is in fact Bestie Week...call, text, or remind the people that you love that you can't imagine a world without them. Celebrate Bestie week...this week and every other one to follow!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

“The Other C.B.”

I should tell you

There are some people who can just say whatever is on their minds without holding back. Some see this as a flaw, I on the other hand applaud and envy those with this gift. I'm an analytical person who sits there and thinks everything through. I wish I had an ounce of spontaneity in my body, but unfortunately that's not the way I was made. I'm a bit of a control freak, but one thing I am capable of doing is admitting my flaws.

I'll just cut to the chase. I'm a chicken. I've guarded myself and put up huge walls because I sadly assume that it is necessary. I've done this to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically the inevitable still seems to happen. Wall or no wall, I still manage to get hurt. There is no way to protect myself. This is a fact that I am learning.

There is a person out there that I meant to tell something, but I chickened out. This is what I do. I hate to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my sleeve, because when you do that it gives others power over you and that is a concept outside my realm of comfort, but here it goes. I know it is probably too late, but I should have come clean about this a long time ago. You may never read this, but…

Hey,

I think you already know what I’m going to say and everybody else already knows too. It’s blatantly obvious and something I've been fighting off saying or truly acting upon for years now.

I always talk myself up to tell you these things when I know I’m going to see you (because I think it should be done in person), but when I do finally see you (which is rare) I just can’t bring myself to, either because I don’t know when the next time I’m going to see you will be and I don’t want to ruin the few moments we have together. Or because deep down I think I know what you will say and once you throw it out there, you won’t be able to take it back and that will be the end.

I've been scared. Scared of what you will think or say, scared of what my friends will think, scared of what everybody will think really and super scared to admit it to myself.

It’s ironic to think that I haven’t told you because I was afraid of losing whatever it was that I thought we had and inevitably that is what appears to be happening anyway.

Obviously, I've had a crush on you for a long time, that crush evolved into what I considered a true friendship, with that friendship came love and unavoidably ended up with me not just loving you as my friend, but falling IN love with you. Crazy right?!?! Yeah, I thought so too.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but when I look back over the years I should have known exactly where this was headed. I remember when I first met you, I was 21. I thought you were handsome and sweet, I looked like a hot mess, but you zoned in on me the whole night for whatever reason. After that, I decided that I might kind of sort of maybe kind of like you.

The next time I saw you our mutual group of friends went out for karaoke night, a small group of us decided to go to the bar for a few and I said I would go, you asked if you could join and I said sure. After we left Ned’s to head back to rejoin the group you did something. You held my hand, I looked up at you, you smiled and said, “is this OK?” I don’t think I said anything, just nodded and smiled back. That was the first time I had butterflies for you.

As time progressed and everyone provided their input on the topic of you and I, I thought maybe you weren't somebody I should be with. You didn't want to be in a relationship with me and that is clearly something that never changed for you. I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, some days it seemed like a good idea and other days it didn't.

Crazy enough, over the last few years you went through numerous relationships and somehow despite that, I felt like you and I continued to get closer. To me, we went from being acquaintances that made out from time to time to actual friends and somebody I genuinely enjoyed hearing from and truly missed. You were my fun-times, no strings attached guy, yet somehow evolved into being one of my best friends.

It would have been much easier for me to have just chalked it all up to you being some hot guy that I kind of liked for a little while and moved on…if I had just stopped kissing you. I can’t deny that there was one consistent factor in our inconsistent whatever we've had (not a relationship).

Every time we kissed I felt something…fireworks, butterflies, passion, sparks or whatever you want to call it. You’re kisses made my heart melt and my toes curl and even when I was convinced that you were not the guy for me; if we kissed I had to start that thought process all over again.

First turning point for me was the night in the alley behind Redman Studios. You were always bad about remembering things and I took it to mean that to you it wasn't worth being remembered, but you brought up that night when we talked in my car outside of your apartment for a long time my senior year of college. You said that was one of the best moments you thought we had together. I remembered that night and had hoped it was one of the ones you didn't remember because I felt like an idiot (at the time and even now).

Second turning point for me was one year later. Eric and I had gone out of town for Spring Break for a week and you and I just went and hung out. I really had missed you and once I cut through all your BS you finally admitted that you had missed me too.

The next night you met up with us downtown and you and I just sat outside and talked, I even got you to dance…lol. I remember thinking that you had changed (in a good way) and most of the hesitation on my end of the whole “could I ever be with you” was resolved. Again, later that night I made a complete ass out of myself, but you didn't let it faze you. I told you I felt stupid and you told me not to.

Sorry I made “feeling stupid” a habit with you. I just never felt more comfortable with anybody else. I felt like I could do and say things with you that I just couldn't with anybody else.

After that visit, we spoke more frequently and I thought we were moving in the right direction, until all of a sudden things just changed. I went through my whole “Cooper thing” and she moved to be closer to you. I got my heart broken by somebody else and then you weren't in my life anymore either.

We finally started talking again and this last year was the most I had ever considered that this might actually happen for us. My feelings for you were much stronger than before and that scared me so I refused to face it, but despite all the denial and constant years of saying, “we’re just friends”, I knew better. I loved you like I love all of my friends, but something changed. I no longer wanted to be content with our flirty friendship, I was starting to realize that I wanted the real thing.

I hate that I feel all of these things about you and that they are not reciprocated. There were times that you made that clear through your actions, there were times that the lines seemed blurred and then there are times that I could have sworn you felt the same way.

I hate that I feel stupid. I hate that I let my guard down. I hate that you planted all these promiseeds in my head – intentional or not. I hate that you did exactly what I knew you were going to do and that I was still shocked. I hate that I don’t mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I hate that I was this disposable to you and that you didn't consider me or my feelings at all. I hate that you won’t talk to me and that I want you to. I hate that I knew better and that I've had to be secretly humiliated and heartbroken because I was too much of a baby to ever say what I thought or felt because I needed to not be “that stupid girl”. And most of all I hate that I do love you and that I am never going to hear or know or understand your side of things.

You told me you bought a ring to stop an argument, not to start one. I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m just trying to understand. If you knew you didn't want to be with me and you knew you were where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, why didn't you just respect me enough to tell me so? That’s one of the things I liked most about you, no matter how blunt, you were always honest with me. Even if it was something you knew I didn't want to hear, you told me the truth.

I’m not an asshole, I would have respected your decision and just have been your friend, but the years in limbo changed that. Did you ever care? Did you ever want the things you talked about? I have so many questions that only you can answer.

The last time I saw you, I was joking around that deep down you knew that you had missed me and you said, “Yeah, more than I’d ever admit to.” See here’s the thing, that defensive jackass thing that you do, I get it. I do the same thing!

You’re just as stubborn and guarded as I am. This makes saying these things that much harder, but if I learned anything in this last year since my mom died it’s that “too late” is not when somebody is still around to hear it, “too late” is when they aren't.

So that’s it. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to quote Grey’s Anatomy and say, “pick me, choose me, love me”. I want to not feel hurt and I want you to feel the same way about me as I do you.

This would be one of those moments when I would say, “OK, I love you” and then get all embarrassed and say, “Oh my God I feel so stupid.” You know me and you know that’s exactly how this would pan out, but it’s the truth. I’m embarrassed, I feel stupid and I love you.

I hope this someday finds you and that it is not a goodbye. If you feel the same way I do at all, I hope you know you can just tell me and you don’t have to go the chicken shit route of posting it online (like me). You can just call and tell me.

This is me, heart on my sleeve, vulnerable and all. I miss you!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Lucky

Some of you may already know this about me and some of you may not, but I love me some Britney Spears! It's true and a fact that I simply won't deny. So when thinking about how to title this post it made sense to me to use one of her song titles. For those of you who are not familiar with the song, listen now...

For those of you who know it, then you can only assume what the rest of this post will be about...the answer to that is...Perception!

People always think the grass is greener elsewhere, but lets think about it. How can that be? Nobody's life is perfect and as cliché as it may sound it is true; people always want what they don't have. From the most minuscule thing, like the girl with curls who wishes for straight hair to big things like milestones in life.

Not too long ago I was talking to one of my friends about work and future plans. He told me I could go anywhere and that I was lucky to not have anything holding me back. He said, "Cassandra it's great that you're not attached to anything." What he meant as a compliment is the one thing that vividly stands out in my mind. 

Lucky? He thought I was lucky! I said nothing to him about this, as I know what he meant and continued the conversation like normal, but in the back of my head all I could think was...lucky?

To me, I took being unattached to mean, being empty and with nothing. That doesn't seem like a very fulfilling life, does it? 

Here's the deal, yeah I guess to some having no "obligations" or "attachments" would be a good thing, but I want to be obligated and attached. I want to matter enough to someone that it would impact them if I were to just up and leave. I want a family whose needs I put before my own. I want children to be a priority. I want to have to run my plan by someone else because I respect them enough to not just do whatever I want to do, I want to make decisions because they are what is best for "us", not just "me". So to some this may sound like a burden, but to me it sounds like perfection.

Yeah, I mean I guess it certainly has its perks and has at some points in my life made things much easier. Being young, I think it is important to have the option to be selfish, figure out who you are and what you want, but eventually it gets redundant just thinking about yourself. 

There is something wonderful about being able to care for and about someone else. I saw my mother do it her whole life, and where I wish she would have put herself first at times, her selflessness is one of her most admirable qualities. It gave her joy and happiness to make others feel joy and happiness. I think that's wonderful!

Another one of my friends and I were talking about how we had cabin fever while cooped up in our homes due to this years Snowmageddon/ice storm. I said I had an Amazon addiction and needed to watch myself. He said that was the good thing about being single; you can just buy things for yourself. 

Well yes I mean I guess, I am pretty much in love with the boots that I felt like I had to have, but they don't evoke the same feeling that I get when I walk by baby clothes at the store.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's that biological clock merely ticking away, or maybe it is simply that one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I urge you all to look at both sides of a scenerio in all instances, this will make you a more socially responsible person as well as a more intelligent individual. What you mean complimentary may not conjure the same emotions to someone else. Your thoughts? Lucky! or Lucky? Have you ever felt the opposite of the implication? Tell me all about it. These are my perceptions...

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Happy Birthday Mommy

There are quite literally a million wonderful things that I could say about my mom. If you were blessed enough to have had the chance to get to know her then there is no reason for me to elaborate because you already are aware of her unconditional love to all and her whole-hearted kindness. If you did not get to meet her, then you truly missed out on being in the presence of one truly amazing person. Stylistically, this is not like any other post I’ve ever written, but I feel it is truly the only way to go about it. With that said, feel free to read on. This one is really for her anyway.

Dear Mommy,

Mom, Marissa and I in 1991.

So many things have happened in the seven months that you have been gone. I have wanted to call you countless times and even by reaction started to before remembering that you can’t answer. I know that you already know everything that I want to tell you, but I really do miss being able to. There is so much that I wanted to do with you and for you, that I unfortunately cannot. Mom I wish I could have told you and asked you so many things. Please know that I love you more than words can express and I am sorry that I didn’t tell you so every single day.

To be honest, I am sorry about a lot of things. I am sorry for being so hateful and for believing that I knew everything. The fact is, I didn’t really know much, but as soon as I lost you I certainly gained some perspective. Sadly, there are certain things about you I didn’t get at all until then. I apologize for being so hard on you, I just wanted you to have more in life that what you were allotted, because there was truly nobody else that I thought deserved it more. I wish I had gone to church with you on Saturday nights when you asked me to. I am so regretful that I would not let things go. I’m sorry that I forgot that you wanted me to play Garth Brooks, “TheDance” at your funeral. I was so overwhelmed by the whole week that it didn’t even occur to me until weeks later. 

I was and am the luckiest person in the world, just because you are my mom. You taught me countless things, but most importantly I think, is that you taught me to love. It breaks my heart to think that you will not physically be there to sing with your beautiful voice and give me away at my wedding one day. My children, when I have them ( I mean people children, not Mischief, Sassy and Bentley), will not have the most wonderful grandma anyone could ask for and I will not have you there to teach me and remind me what it is that I need to do to be a wonderful mother to them. However, I do know that I learned from the best, I learned from you and even though I will not be able to see you, I know that you will be right there helping me through and guiding me along my way. I know you will, because you always have and even when I did not deserve it, you were there for me. 

Me, Mom and Josh in 1997.

I miss you every day. Now that you are gone there is a very empty place in my heart that will not be filled because Mom, you are my heart. You were my best friend, my cheerleader and my home. The hardest thing I ever had to do was let you go, please know that. I just always wanted to protect you and tried to until the very end. People tell me all the time how sorry they are and how wonderful you were. Mom do you know how amazing it is to hear from so many people how great you are?! You left some pretty big shoes to fill.

I look back on my life, and every single one of my best memories includes you. You played dress up with me and were never too busy to listen to me, or hug me or tell me that you love me. I guess because you always had the time to offer these things I didn’t realize how special they were. I always appreciated them, but had no idea how much I would miss them because it seems unreal that you are gone.

Like I said, I know that you already know all of this, but I got a new job that I really like, and I know this sounds silly, but I’m moving and for some reason it really upsets me. I think it’s because this will be my first place that you will not see. It’s like you won’t know where I live. It’s pretty ridiculous I know, but it is just another realization that I’ve had to face. I told you that I would do whatever I could to make you proud, and I promise you I will. You have my word, and we both know how insanely stubborn I am…lol. 

Mom and I at Senior Day at NSU 2009.

Sometimes when I miss you, I have several voicemails of yours saved on my phone and I just listen to them over and over, because it is just nice to hear your voice. I will listen to Bette Midler, watch movies like Beaches and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, visit your church and probably more than anything else, I will talk about you. I always have talked about you, telling stories about things we would do when I was younger, but I think I do it more now. I think it is my way of making sure people remember you and know that it is not just that I thought you were amazing because you were my mom, but that you really were. 

Mommy, thank you. Thank you for loving me all the time, no matter what. Thank you for all of the memories, thank you for believing in me and thank you for forgiving me for being a jerk. I’m glad that I got to know you as an adult. I’m glad that I got to be your person, and I know you would feel bad about confiding certain things in me, but know that I never felt bad about it. It made me feel special that you needed me because I had spent so much time needing you. It made me feel special that you treated me like an adult and thought I was mature enough to not just be your daughter, but also your friend. Mom, thank you so much for always making me feel special and important. Thank you for being my angel.

I know that you and Papa Gene are up there watching over us all. I cannot wait until the day that I can see you again. I also know that tomorrow OU will beat Texas if you and Poppy have anything to say about it…hahahaha. As hard as it was to do what I did, I would do it all over again if I knew that it meant I could spend just one more day with you and tell you all of these things. Thank you for being you and thank you for being my mom. I am proud of you and you were enough, more than enough. I am proud to have been your daughter.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you and I miss you more than words can express. Until I see you again…

Love Always,

Your daughter and angel baby

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Complicated

Hello all! It has been some time since my last post and allow me to truly preface that it was out of my realm of thought for how much my life could truly change in only a matter of hours. My absence from textual conversation was not for lack of wanting to write, but instead lack of what to write. No...not the infamous writers block, but instead I have been faced with a plethora of emotions that I have no idea how to deal with.

Since my last post a million things have changed. I started a new job, not the position of my dreams, but I am very happy there and everyone is sincerely and legitimately kind. I think it is somewhere I could truly be happy working at for a very long time, but like my previous employment situations it is not a job that requires any of the skills that I worked so hard to master...literally with a degree. However, if I could find a way to use these skills I have aquired to navigate my way to a higher position. That office is one in which I would be happy to remain employed.

The loss of many people in my life, whether it be by one's choice or by God is something that has truly impacted me and my entire thought process about EVERYTHING! My Mom died on March 5 this year and that incident has left a giant hole not only in my heart, but my life as well. Losing Mom, my best friend, the one person who was always on my side is not something that I thought I would have to deal with as a mere 26 year old. It sounds rediculous, but it's the way I feel. I may be an "adult", but I still need my Mommy. I may be an "adult", but I feel as if I am orphaned. I have sat down a million times since her passing to write about her and there simply are not enough words to express how much she meant to me.

I have tried to think about significant events of my life to share, because I thoroughly LOVE talking about Mom and in no way do I want to forget her or anybody else for that matter, but it's really hard. She is a part of almost every single significant event that has occured in my life. March 5 was one day out of 26 years. Most of which were amazing because I was blessed with the most wonderful mother in the entire world.

The truth of the matter is I am still me, but my life is now split into two different periods. Life with Mom and life after. I know who I was, but now I'm not entirely sure who I am. Where does one go from here? When I am ready to write about Mom and everything it will not be able to be one post, but instead a series of them. One would be a disgrace and I know that for a blog writing an epic novel is not something that anyone would venture to read. The point of posting about Mom is so that I can share her life with other's, so it is essential that their is a desire from those of you out there to want to hear about it. So standby...there is more to come about Mom, known to most as Paula.

As previously mentioned a couple of paragraphs before I have suffered the loss of many people. Mom and Poppy due to death. The other's because for one reason or another they no longer want to include me in their life. One is a boy who has been the topic of a post, the other's are family members. One of those members no longer feels that it is necissary to have any kind of contact with me because, "we have nothing in common" and the other has no choice because she is a child and is limited in her options. I need it to be known that I miss and love each and everyone of these people who are now absent from my life.

This post is not to be depressing, but instead to explain that things are different. In closing I would like to say that I have a TON of things that I would love to write about and one day when I can get my 500 million thoughts in order I will start to share them. Some things are funny, some sad, some analytical and some are just straight up girly. Regardless, they are my thoughts and they are little pieces of information that will shine some insight into who I am. Until then...take care of yourselves, go see your mom because you never know when the last time will be, love and cherish the relationships that you do have with all of those you have selected to be in your life. Remember that families are a blessing and that even if we do not always agree that does not in any way mean that we do not care. Be sweet to eachother! Until then...stay tuned!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."