Dirty Little Secret

Conflicting messages are what we are all being bombarded with when it comes to today’s entertainment industry. Film is an art form and art is supposed to reflect real life. Screenwriters and authors write stories, which most times are not entirely fictional, even if that is the genre. Most of these “stories” have a hint or more of a personal life occurrence that the writer or someone they know has experienced. So the age old question remains, does art imitate life or does life imitate art?

I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, so please forgive me for the examples that will be used, but on a complete side note I only have one more season to go before I can say that I have seen the entire series…yay for me…finishing what I start…lol. Now back to my point.

Cheating is wrong. Obviously! Right? 

Every movie or show we watch proves this fact, or does it? 

In some scenarios it does. Take Tyler Perry’s movie “Temptation” for example. This beautiful, smart, successful, happily married woman who has a wonderful adoring husband decides to cheat on him with a more “successful” man. Due to her actions the cheatee ends up being a crazy HIV infected abusive a-hole and the aforementioned adulterating woman ends up alone with the HIV. This is clearly an extreme example of how cheating is portrayed as wrong, now let’s look at the alternative.

 

Grey’s Anatomy, Friends, Gossip Girl and Sex and the City, what do all of these shows have in common other than the fact that I love them all? Cheating, that’s what! 

Interesting twist, they each offer cheating that is completely understandable and even justifiable. Allow me to explain.

Each heroine from these shows has found herself in this situation. After years of building a back and forth relationship with the woman’s “soulmate”, each woman is put in some kind of cheating situation, but as viewers we don’t even get mad at them for this. Why? Cheating is wrong, right?

Meredith becomes the “dirty mistress” in her steaming love affair with a married McDreamy, but when his wife Addison cheated on him with the oh so hot Dr. Sloan she was definitely in the wrong, no question about that. However, when Mer and Derrick do it, as an audience we wanted them to, we expected it. It had to happen for the show to go on.

The “we were on a break” story line from Friends. Ross cheats on Rachel and we hate him for it. Rachel constantly gets in the way of him and his relationships by making Ross cheat (not necessarily with sex, but emotional cheating occurs for sure) and we get it. It doesn’t even come up on our radar that she is the other woman because how can she be the “other” when we know she is the “one”?

Gossip Girl character Blair Waldorf finds herself in a crazy love triangle between her Parisian prince and her beloved Chuck Bass. Before we know that the prince is a putz we empathize with him as a viewer, but ultimately struggle with the back and forth relationship of Chuck and Blair for all six seasons of the show. Cheating is just anecdotal drama needed for the show. We know Chuck and Blair will be together because they have to be.

Then of course there is the Big mistake made by Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. The Big affair. This is when Carrie is dating the perfect boyfriend one could ask for Aiden, but somehow still ends up hooking up with her ex manfriend Mr. Big who is married to a twenty-something year old named Natasha. Viewers were pissed-ish at Carrie for doing this, but not long enough to hate her because we understood that it was a force of nature that drew her into the arms of Mr. Big and that my friends is what we refer to as fate.  

These characters that we have emotionally invested in and see so much of ourselves in, make this horrendous mistake and we forgive them because we know they were unexplainably drawn to this other person, so in actuality it wasn’t their fault. They had to either cheat on or cheat with to get their man back, right?! 

Do we believe this to be true in our own lives? These plot lines do not try to justify whoring around, but to be the cheater or the cheatee with that one special person…is that OK? Do we have one free pass if it is our great love and if so will this keep us from the damnation and judgment of others?

So ladies and gentleman, the question on the table today is…do you think it is OK to cheat if and only if it is for the sole purpose in completing our life’s story? Is it ever justifiable to partake in this specific act of defiance?  

Obviously if you cheat you will not necessarily end up with AIDS and death (but you may). 

Is it possible that we know we are chasing after our soul mate when we do cheat? How do we know that this particular individual is our special someone?

The problem is the media has blurred the lines between right and wrong, what some see as black and white can also be seen through shades of grey. 

We love Meredith Grey, Rachel Green, Blair Waldorf and Carrie Bradshaw, we as women see ourselves in them. So is it alright if our Derrick, Ross, Chuck or Mr. Big are currently with someone else that we try to get them back. Is the flirting, tempting and emotional relationship on the side acceptable? Is this cheating different from other circumstances of adultery? Would we even define what we are doing as cheating?

There is no denying that there are certain people in this world that we are drawn to without any explanation. The very essence of their being somehow completes and consumes us. We have had this man in our lives in some kind of capacity for some time, so there is now history there, which only further affirms our notion of purposeful passion and dare I say it, true love.  

If we find that they are somehow in a relationship with another woman, is it reasonable for us to take matters into our own hands and still have a relationship with this man? Is it alright if we are doing it for the sake of “true love” or because we are “supposed to end up with them?”

We are the lead woman, and the heroine of the story of our life, so I believe we make sense of it to others and to ourselves because it has made sense in the aforementioned situations. We are not the type of women who would cheat, but many find that they are the type that will push limits and bend rules to get the man that they are destined to be with back, but how do we know that he is that man?

I ask these questions and pass no judgment, but I would love to hear your responses. I myself have found myself in some questionable situations at times, so I assure that calling you out for your answers, whichever way you believe is not my intention. I simply would love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Just some food for thought, until next time…

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

“The Other C.B.”

I should tell you

There are some people who can just say whatever is on their minds without holding back. Some see this as a flaw, I on the other hand applaud and envy those with this gift. I'm an analytical person who sits there and thinks everything through. I wish I had an ounce of spontaneity in my body, but unfortunately that's not the way I was made. I'm a bit of a control freak, but one thing I am capable of doing is admitting my flaws.

I'll just cut to the chase. I'm a chicken. I've guarded myself and put up huge walls because I sadly assume that it is necessary. I've done this to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically the inevitable still seems to happen. Wall or no wall, I still manage to get hurt. There is no way to protect myself. This is a fact that I am learning.

There is a person out there that I meant to tell something, but I chickened out. This is what I do. I hate to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my sleeve, because when you do that it gives others power over you and that is a concept outside my realm of comfort, but here it goes. I know it is probably too late, but I should have come clean about this a long time ago. You may never read this, but…

Hey,

I think you already know what I’m going to say and everybody else already knows too. It’s blatantly obvious and something I've been fighting off saying or truly acting upon for years now.

I always talk myself up to tell you these things when I know I’m going to see you (because I think it should be done in person), but when I do finally see you (which is rare) I just can’t bring myself to, either because I don’t know when the next time I’m going to see you will be and I don’t want to ruin the few moments we have together. Or because deep down I think I know what you will say and once you throw it out there, you won’t be able to take it back and that will be the end.

I've been scared. Scared of what you will think or say, scared of what my friends will think, scared of what everybody will think really and super scared to admit it to myself.

It’s ironic to think that I haven’t told you because I was afraid of losing whatever it was that I thought we had and inevitably that is what appears to be happening anyway.

Obviously, I've had a crush on you for a long time, that crush evolved into what I considered a true friendship, with that friendship came love and unavoidably ended up with me not just loving you as my friend, but falling IN love with you. Crazy right?!?! Yeah, I thought so too.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but when I look back over the years I should have known exactly where this was headed. I remember when I first met you, I was 21. I thought you were handsome and sweet, I looked like a hot mess, but you zoned in on me the whole night for whatever reason. After that, I decided that I might kind of sort of maybe kind of like you.

The next time I saw you our mutual group of friends went out for karaoke night, a small group of us decided to go to the bar for a few and I said I would go, you asked if you could join and I said sure. After we left Ned’s to head back to rejoin the group you did something. You held my hand, I looked up at you, you smiled and said, “is this OK?” I don’t think I said anything, just nodded and smiled back. That was the first time I had butterflies for you.

As time progressed and everyone provided their input on the topic of you and I, I thought maybe you weren't somebody I should be with. You didn't want to be in a relationship with me and that is clearly something that never changed for you. I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, some days it seemed like a good idea and other days it didn't.

Crazy enough, over the last few years you went through numerous relationships and somehow despite that, I felt like you and I continued to get closer. To me, we went from being acquaintances that made out from time to time to actual friends and somebody I genuinely enjoyed hearing from and truly missed. You were my fun-times, no strings attached guy, yet somehow evolved into being one of my best friends.

It would have been much easier for me to have just chalked it all up to you being some hot guy that I kind of liked for a little while and moved on…if I had just stopped kissing you. I can’t deny that there was one consistent factor in our inconsistent whatever we've had (not a relationship).

Every time we kissed I felt something…fireworks, butterflies, passion, sparks or whatever you want to call it. You’re kisses made my heart melt and my toes curl and even when I was convinced that you were not the guy for me; if we kissed I had to start that thought process all over again.

First turning point for me was the night in the alley behind Redman Studios. You were always bad about remembering things and I took it to mean that to you it wasn't worth being remembered, but you brought up that night when we talked in my car outside of your apartment for a long time my senior year of college. You said that was one of the best moments you thought we had together. I remembered that night and had hoped it was one of the ones you didn't remember because I felt like an idiot (at the time and even now).

Second turning point for me was one year later. Eric and I had gone out of town for Spring Break for a week and you and I just went and hung out. I really had missed you and once I cut through all your BS you finally admitted that you had missed me too.

The next night you met up with us downtown and you and I just sat outside and talked, I even got you to dance…lol. I remember thinking that you had changed (in a good way) and most of the hesitation on my end of the whole “could I ever be with you” was resolved. Again, later that night I made a complete ass out of myself, but you didn't let it faze you. I told you I felt stupid and you told me not to.

Sorry I made “feeling stupid” a habit with you. I just never felt more comfortable with anybody else. I felt like I could do and say things with you that I just couldn't with anybody else.

After that visit, we spoke more frequently and I thought we were moving in the right direction, until all of a sudden things just changed. I went through my whole “Cooper thing” and she moved to be closer to you. I got my heart broken by somebody else and then you weren't in my life anymore either.

We finally started talking again and this last year was the most I had ever considered that this might actually happen for us. My feelings for you were much stronger than before and that scared me so I refused to face it, but despite all the denial and constant years of saying, “we’re just friends”, I knew better. I loved you like I love all of my friends, but something changed. I no longer wanted to be content with our flirty friendship, I was starting to realize that I wanted the real thing.

I hate that I feel all of these things about you and that they are not reciprocated. There were times that you made that clear through your actions, there were times that the lines seemed blurred and then there are times that I could have sworn you felt the same way.

I hate that I feel stupid. I hate that I let my guard down. I hate that you planted all these promiseeds in my head – intentional or not. I hate that you did exactly what I knew you were going to do and that I was still shocked. I hate that I don’t mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I hate that I was this disposable to you and that you didn't consider me or my feelings at all. I hate that you won’t talk to me and that I want you to. I hate that I knew better and that I've had to be secretly humiliated and heartbroken because I was too much of a baby to ever say what I thought or felt because I needed to not be “that stupid girl”. And most of all I hate that I do love you and that I am never going to hear or know or understand your side of things.

You told me you bought a ring to stop an argument, not to start one. I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m just trying to understand. If you knew you didn't want to be with me and you knew you were where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, why didn't you just respect me enough to tell me so? That’s one of the things I liked most about you, no matter how blunt, you were always honest with me. Even if it was something you knew I didn't want to hear, you told me the truth.

I’m not an asshole, I would have respected your decision and just have been your friend, but the years in limbo changed that. Did you ever care? Did you ever want the things you talked about? I have so many questions that only you can answer.

The last time I saw you, I was joking around that deep down you knew that you had missed me and you said, “Yeah, more than I’d ever admit to.” See here’s the thing, that defensive jackass thing that you do, I get it. I do the same thing!

You’re just as stubborn and guarded as I am. This makes saying these things that much harder, but if I learned anything in this last year since my mom died it’s that “too late” is not when somebody is still around to hear it, “too late” is when they aren't.

So that’s it. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to quote Grey’s Anatomy and say, “pick me, choose me, love me”. I want to not feel hurt and I want you to feel the same way about me as I do you.

This would be one of those moments when I would say, “OK, I love you” and then get all embarrassed and say, “Oh my God I feel so stupid.” You know me and you know that’s exactly how this would pan out, but it’s the truth. I’m embarrassed, I feel stupid and I love you.

I hope this someday finds you and that it is not a goodbye. If you feel the same way I do at all, I hope you know you can just tell me and you don’t have to go the chicken shit route of posting it online (like me). You can just call and tell me.

This is me, heart on my sleeve, vulnerable and all. I miss you!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."