Dirty Little Secret

Conflicting messages are what we are all being bombarded with when it comes to today’s entertainment industry. Film is an art form and art is supposed to reflect real life. Screenwriters and authors write stories, which most times are not entirely fictional, even if that is the genre. Most of these “stories” have a hint or more of a personal life occurrence that the writer or someone they know has experienced. So the age old question remains, does art imitate life or does life imitate art?

I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, so please forgive me for the examples that will be used, but on a complete side note I only have one more season to go before I can say that I have seen the entire series…yay for me…finishing what I start…lol. Now back to my point.

Cheating is wrong. Obviously! Right? 

Every movie or show we watch proves this fact, or does it? 

In some scenarios it does. Take Tyler Perry’s movie “Temptation” for example. This beautiful, smart, successful, happily married woman who has a wonderful adoring husband decides to cheat on him with a more “successful” man. Due to her actions the cheatee ends up being a crazy HIV infected abusive a-hole and the aforementioned adulterating woman ends up alone with the HIV. This is clearly an extreme example of how cheating is portrayed as wrong, now let’s look at the alternative.

 

Grey’s Anatomy, Friends, Gossip Girl and Sex and the City, what do all of these shows have in common other than the fact that I love them all? Cheating, that’s what! 

Interesting twist, they each offer cheating that is completely understandable and even justifiable. Allow me to explain.

Each heroine from these shows has found herself in this situation. After years of building a back and forth relationship with the woman’s “soulmate”, each woman is put in some kind of cheating situation, but as viewers we don’t even get mad at them for this. Why? Cheating is wrong, right?

Meredith becomes the “dirty mistress” in her steaming love affair with a married McDreamy, but when his wife Addison cheated on him with the oh so hot Dr. Sloan she was definitely in the wrong, no question about that. However, when Mer and Derrick do it, as an audience we wanted them to, we expected it. It had to happen for the show to go on.

The “we were on a break” story line from Friends. Ross cheats on Rachel and we hate him for it. Rachel constantly gets in the way of him and his relationships by making Ross cheat (not necessarily with sex, but emotional cheating occurs for sure) and we get it. It doesn’t even come up on our radar that she is the other woman because how can she be the “other” when we know she is the “one”?

Gossip Girl character Blair Waldorf finds herself in a crazy love triangle between her Parisian prince and her beloved Chuck Bass. Before we know that the prince is a putz we empathize with him as a viewer, but ultimately struggle with the back and forth relationship of Chuck and Blair for all six seasons of the show. Cheating is just anecdotal drama needed for the show. We know Chuck and Blair will be together because they have to be.

Then of course there is the Big mistake made by Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. The Big affair. This is when Carrie is dating the perfect boyfriend one could ask for Aiden, but somehow still ends up hooking up with her ex manfriend Mr. Big who is married to a twenty-something year old named Natasha. Viewers were pissed-ish at Carrie for doing this, but not long enough to hate her because we understood that it was a force of nature that drew her into the arms of Mr. Big and that my friends is what we refer to as fate.  

These characters that we have emotionally invested in and see so much of ourselves in, make this horrendous mistake and we forgive them because we know they were unexplainably drawn to this other person, so in actuality it wasn’t their fault. They had to either cheat on or cheat with to get their man back, right?! 

Do we believe this to be true in our own lives? These plot lines do not try to justify whoring around, but to be the cheater or the cheatee with that one special person…is that OK? Do we have one free pass if it is our great love and if so will this keep us from the damnation and judgment of others?

So ladies and gentleman, the question on the table today is…do you think it is OK to cheat if and only if it is for the sole purpose in completing our life’s story? Is it ever justifiable to partake in this specific act of defiance?  

Obviously if you cheat you will not necessarily end up with AIDS and death (but you may). 

Is it possible that we know we are chasing after our soul mate when we do cheat? How do we know that this particular individual is our special someone?

The problem is the media has blurred the lines between right and wrong, what some see as black and white can also be seen through shades of grey. 

We love Meredith Grey, Rachel Green, Blair Waldorf and Carrie Bradshaw, we as women see ourselves in them. So is it alright if our Derrick, Ross, Chuck or Mr. Big are currently with someone else that we try to get them back. Is the flirting, tempting and emotional relationship on the side acceptable? Is this cheating different from other circumstances of adultery? Would we even define what we are doing as cheating?

There is no denying that there are certain people in this world that we are drawn to without any explanation. The very essence of their being somehow completes and consumes us. We have had this man in our lives in some kind of capacity for some time, so there is now history there, which only further affirms our notion of purposeful passion and dare I say it, true love.  

If we find that they are somehow in a relationship with another woman, is it reasonable for us to take matters into our own hands and still have a relationship with this man? Is it alright if we are doing it for the sake of “true love” or because we are “supposed to end up with them?”

We are the lead woman, and the heroine of the story of our life, so I believe we make sense of it to others and to ourselves because it has made sense in the aforementioned situations. We are not the type of women who would cheat, but many find that they are the type that will push limits and bend rules to get the man that they are destined to be with back, but how do we know that he is that man?

I ask these questions and pass no judgment, but I would love to hear your responses. I myself have found myself in some questionable situations at times, so I assure that calling you out for your answers, whichever way you believe is not my intention. I simply would love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Just some food for thought, until next time…

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

“The Other C.B.”

Don't Be Stupid

It seems the old rules of the golden age unfortunately have not filtered down to the generations that followed. Tradition is no longer something that is seen as beautiful or a thing to admire, but instead it is viewed as old school and non-progressive. The roles of men and women and societal expectations have changed, along with the way that people treat one another.

Please do not take this out of context, I for one am extremely appreciative of some of the changes that have occurred. As a woman, I would hate it if I were still viewed as being the weaker sex (oh wait…that still happens). I appreciate that racism is culturally viewed as being wrong (but there are still backwoods thinking folk out there who disagree with me). I guess what I really have an issue with is that people pick and choose what to embrace as greatness from the past and what they choose to see as an ignorant timeworn train of thought.

One thing I am sad to see die out is chivalry. That’s right. It has come to my attention that chivalry just may be a dead art form, language, action and thought.

Allow me to provide you with examples/evidence.

Before you continue reading, please know that this is not going to be me just putting guys on blast for their rude, thoughtless and degrading behavior. I think women are equally to blame for the loss of chivalry. I also blame pop culture, society and the parents who are not teaching their sons and daughters how to treat one another.

Example # 1: My senior year of college I was the editor of my college paper and every week I wrote a column entitled, “Look at me I’m Sandra D”. This column was basically about whatever was on my mind that week. One week I wrote a particular piece about an off putting situation. There is a guy I was friends-ish with who asked me if I wanted to grab something to eat. We went to dinner, he drove me home and was normal acting until we pulled up to my apartment. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him I couldn't because I had things to do, but thanked him for dinner. He left, I went upstairs and proceeded to work on my homework. About an hour later I received a text from him stating that he was home alone and bored, wanted me to come over, have sex with him then leave. I was LIVID! Who did this guy think he was? I had given him no implication that I was interested in him like that at all. After I went off on him for being so rude, he told me not to worry about it, because he would end up getting some anyway. Even later that evening I ran into him at the bar with one of our mutual male friends and told him unless he planned on doing our friend, it didn't

seem that he was going to end up getting any.

Example #2: Several months ago I started receiving blank texts from a phone number I did not know and was only receiving them late at night or early in the mornings (while I was still asleep). I assumed it was a mistake and asked who it was, but never got a response. The messages were coming about once every 3-6 weeks. Finally one day I received a message with words. After a long string of messages where the sender tried to get me to figure out who they were, advising me that they were married and letting me know what they wanted to do to me (explicitly advising me of how good they would make me feel, etc…), I finally unraveled this mystery. The guy finally fessed up to the fact that he was the husband of one of my nearest and dearest friends. Again I was DISGUSTED!

Example # 3: Just recently I hung out with a guy that I do not know very well at all. He initiated contact by inviting me to hang out so that we could get to know one another a little better (not sexually). Once I agreed he told me that he was excited and I told him it sounded like fun. We hung out one night watched a movie and chatted a little bit. I left that evening feeling like I may potentially have a new friend in my life and that he seemed like a nice enough guy. A few days later we hung out again and again I felt the same way upon going home; that is until I received a text message the following day. This less than subtle text said that he had really wanted to have sex with me the previous night. WOW!

I throw all of these examples out there as evidence to support my feelings on the topic of chivalry. These situations have only further affirmed my belief that it is in fact dead, now we need to understand why.

Let’s first analyze what exactly these guys are offering…the obvious answer is sex, right? The less than obvious answer is nothing. Nothing except for a completely self-absorbed action that really requires nothing from me or about me. They think they are offering something great?!?! This comes from the fact that a man’s world revolves around what he has between his legs. So the way he sees it is that it’s a nice suggestion for a nice time. The way I see it is different. (WARNING: what I’m about to say may sound crude, but it’s just as assertive of a response as the inquiry it derived from).

All this request says to me is that you are offering me some possible foreplay that will inevitably result in a big win for you, another notch on your belt that somehow lets you think you are “the man” and if I’m lucky (the likelihood of which is slim) a big “O” and lack of self-respect for myself. They think they are offering me a good time and I think they are offering me a big NOTHING!!!

At no point in any of these requests did these men say anything about how they liked me, thought about my wants or needs, appreciated me as a person. No nothing about any of it had to do with me. Hell all I really needed to be there for was to provide a hole. Nice…right?! Ridiculous is more like it.

You really just said to me that you didn't like or respect me at all. How flattering is that? Not one of these guys even attempted flattery. I didn't even get so much as a compliment to soften me up to the idea. What happened to courting? Yet again, another dead concept.

It can’t just be that all men really are this stupid can it? No it’s deeper than that.

Women men don’t just wake up one day and think today is the day that I’m going to be a complete creep and just say what I think. No it’s something that has probably worked for them in the past, which means that some woman out there said yes to these requests. Men treat us this way because we allow it.

Women we want to be equals so bad that we forget that we are not men. We don’t think or react the way that they do. Guys speak differently to each other than they do to us and they should. We don’t communicate the same way, but I for one don’t want some guy to burp, scratch his junk and make crude remarks about other women in front of me. I want them to be considerate and kind. Not fake, just respectful. That is not too much to ask.

We, the women of my generation have grown up watching Samantha on Sex and the City, listening to Madonna, reading Chelsea Handler and being advised to have a voice of our own. Yes a voice, but not a penis. We have every right to say that we want respect, now I say we demand it. Yes I can open my own freaking door, but it is super sweet when you do it.

We need to let guys know how much we appreciate these little things that they do for us so that they continue to do so. If they are not feeling valued why should they go that extra mile. We have to reaffirm that these are novel ideas they have, not just something expected. We have to let them know we appreciate their kindness so that they are more willing to offer it.

Samantha teaches us that women think of sex the same way men do, and some may, but I don’t. What is sex without feeling? Physically for me, as a woman if I don’t feel passion in my heart, I assure it will not be felt anywhere else. Madonna taught us to take control of our bodies and sexually to be equal to men. Chelsea has taught us to speak like men. I for one admire a lot of things about these women and what they represent, but I’m just not 100 percent on board with it all.

Yes, Samantha I should not be treated unequal in a man’s world, but I don’t want to be a man. I should be equal because I am a human. Yes, Madonna I should take control of my body, by saying no when I am rudely asked to sleep with someone I am taking that control. Yes, Chelsea it is not fair that men can say whatever they want and women are supposed to be submissive; seen but not heard. However, sometimes I like that I can talk about my feelings and emotions and not be laughed at or judged for doing so. Most men don’t have that luxury and when they do, we tell them how “gay” they are. Yes I appreciate these aspects of feminism, but within context.

Not all men can possibly be this closed minded and rude. Some of the most romantic things provided to us through pop culture are created by men. If they create it, then they think it. That tells me that they know the right thing.

Nicholas Sparks writes the most romantic, passionate thoughtful words into his stories. He creates emotionally moving works of art and he is a man. Neyo writes and sings songs about love and what men should do for their women. It’s thoughtful and kind and he is a man. There is evidence to suggest that men centuries ago were capable of chivalry; Going all the way back to William Shakespeare who wrote what could be argued to be the most romantic piece of literature of all-time, Romeo and Juliet. He wrote words and depicted male characters that truly, madly, deeply cared for their female counterparts. This is evident in his poetry and sonnets and he too was a man.

Women is it our fault that guys believe they can talk to us like this? Is it pop culture’s fault for saying that we are cool with it? Is it the parents of these men’s fault? Is it because these men have grown up in homes where fathers were absent so they have not been exposed to how it is that a man should treat a woman? Is it because their mothers are so busy they have not taught their sons what it is that women want or that they stayed in a bad relationship just because they did not want to be alone?

Same thing goes for the women of my generation; do we just accept that this is the way it should be because we have deep-rooted daddy issues? Did our mom’s teach us to climb that latter and be equal to men in every aspect of our lives. Or are we rebelling from the roles that our moms thought they were supposed to fulfill by being the stay-at-home mother and housewife. Are we trying to prove that we are better than our mothers?

I’m not sure who to place the blame on, but I am sure of one thing. Offering me your penis is not the same thing as offering me your heart and I promise you will not be receiving consent on my side if you have no interest in me beyond my body. Unlike Lady Gaga and R. Kelly’s new song, you cannot do what you want (what you want) with my body, because I am the full package. If you want my body you will also receive my heart, my mind, my respect, my loyalty and my love; which really is a much better deal.

Who do you think is to blame?  

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."