The fact is, just because these men were not my boyfriends, that does not mean that I cared for them any less than I would have had they have been a title. In fact I would say that most of my best relationships had no need for a title. The one that had the biggest title actually meant the least, so this goes back to Shakespeare and his whole, "what's in a name" issue. The question I am posing today is this: Do you think it is possible to have an ex that was never a boyfriend?
Perfect example. There was a guy I was friends with. We never actually became boyfriend and girlfriend because the timing was never right, we didn't want to mess with our friendship, blah, blah, blah...there were a thousand different excuses. Regardless, I still loved him because he was my friend. I entertained the idea of loving him in a different way and did not realize that I actually did until I found out that he was getting married. If he was just my friend and I didn't think of him in any other kind of way, then why couldn't I just be happy for him? Instead, I moped around for a few days and then decided that I would just have to be happy for him and that the possibility of he and I was just never going to happen. I was so good at this that I actually had myself convinced that I was happy for him, so long as he was happy. That was until I got the phone call.
After five years of our first attempt at whatever that was, and four years of his now failed marriage, the two of us started talking again. This time I thought, "maybe this is it"! Obviously timing was a concern again, as I did not want to be the "rebound" girl, but he was one of the most amazing men I had ever met and I already loved him as a person and knew that in my heart he was someone that I would want to have a family with and grow old with. He was the only person that I had ever considered this to be an option with. I did not tell him this, but in my head I believed that there was a reason that after all this time he and I were supposed to be together and that this was all part of God's plan. I promise after all was said and done, this was not God's plan, but instead I suppose a lesson to be learned.
He ended up breaking my heart in a way that I cannot even begin to explain. I thought he was sincere in all things that he had said because he wasn't just, "some guy" he was my friend and we respected each other. I had known him since I was 16, so it wasn't something new. I had always pictured my husband being my best friend, so to me this was perfect. But obviously not perfect for him. I loved him, that I can't deny, but how could he have broken my heart if he was never my boyfriend? People didn't understand and I didn't know how to explain it. To me it made sense. I knew what I was feeling, but nobody else got it.
So I did the typical girl thing, where you go through the different emotions like 50 times a day. I was mad, I was sad. I listened to a lot of Eminem and Alanis Morisette on my mad days and more Toni Braxton, "Unbreak My Heart" kind of music on my sad days. Did I have a right to be this hurt without having ever been his girlfriend? After a few weeks, I finally started to feel like myself again, and it didn't hurt so much everyday. Wasn't this the same thing that all of my friends went through when they had a break-up? Pretty sure it was. So it's like we broke-up without ever having been together. Weird...
In that five year gap of him getting married and me finishing up with school, I met another guy. This had bad written all over it from the beginning, but there was something about him. Truly only God gets this one and at times, even I am confused as to why I felt the way that I did about him, but this too I could not deny. I really LIKED him. I met him right before my 22nd birthday and he's kind of been in my life ever since then. We became friends, but kissy friends. As the years progressed and we saw each other less, I would say we actually developed a real friendship and started to care about one another for more than just flirtatious reasons.
This one had girlfriends off and on throughout our friendship, but our relationship remained fairly consistent We flirted and would sometimes talk about what it might be like if we were ever to date, but that was it. Nothing more than passive conversation was ever had about us having an actual relationship, you know titles and all. So finally after three years of extreme sexual tension and insane amounts of flirting, I couldn't do it anymore and passive wasn't going to work for me so I just asked, why were we not more than friends and after several minutes of dancing around the question, I decided that I was done because I couldn't do this anymore. But, what couldn't I do anymore? He wasn't my boyfriend...what exactly was I ending? I'm not 100% sure, but I can tell you that when it was done, I felt a void, so obviously something ended.
Skip to now, boy number one is going to have a baby and the night I found out about that I cried. I cried because deep down I guess a part of me still believed that maybe, one day, he and I would have that. Instead, he is going to have that with somebody else. I think it was the finality in it that hurt the most. I do know one thing though, he is going to be an amazing father. Guy number two and I have remained friends and who knows, my BFF Eric swears that somebody (even though he really doesn't want it to happen) that it will, maybe not for long, but it will. I for one have no idea.
These are two prime examples of the relationships, or lack there of that I have had in my life the last, say five years. These are the men of my twenties, so far and where some may argue they weren't real relationships because they were not my boyfriends, I can argue the other side. The feelings, emotions, hurt, etc...all those things that I felt were real so maybe the relationships were too. What do you think?
Love Always,
Cassandra B.
"The Other C.B."
