There are quite literally a million wonderful things that I
could say about my mom. If you were blessed enough to have had the chance to
get to know her then there is no reason for me to elaborate because you already
are aware of her unconditional love to all and her whole-hearted kindness. If
you did not get to meet her, then you truly missed out on being in the presence
of one truly amazing person. Stylistically, this is not like any other post
I’ve ever written, but I feel it is truly the only way to go about it. With
that said, feel free to read on. This one is really for her anyway.
Dear Mommy,
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| Mom, Marissa and I in 1991. |
So many things have happened in the seven months that you
have been gone. I have wanted to call you countless times and even by reaction
started to before remembering that you can’t answer. I know that you already
know everything that I want to tell you, but I really do miss being able to.
There is so much that I wanted to do with you and for you, that I unfortunately
cannot. Mom I wish I could have told you and asked you so many things. Please
know that I love you more than words can express and I am sorry that I didn’t
tell you so every single day.
To be honest, I am sorry about a lot of things. I am sorry
for being so hateful and for believing that I knew everything. The fact is, I
didn’t really know much, but as soon as I lost you I certainly gained some
perspective. Sadly, there are certain things about you I didn’t get at all
until then. I apologize for being so hard on you, I just wanted you to have
more in life that what you were allotted, because there was truly nobody else
that I thought deserved it more. I wish I had gone to church with you on
Saturday nights when you asked me to. I am so regretful that I would not let
things go. I’m sorry that I forgot that you wanted me to play Garth Brooks, “TheDance” at your funeral. I was so overwhelmed by the whole week that it didn’t
even occur to me until weeks later.
I was and am the luckiest person in the world, just because
you are my mom. You taught me countless things, but most importantly I think,
is that you taught me to love. It breaks my heart to think that you will not
physically be there to sing with your beautiful voice and give me away at my
wedding one day. My children, when I have them ( I mean people children, not
Mischief, Sassy and Bentley), will not have the most wonderful grandma anyone
could ask for and I will not have you there to teach me and remind me what it
is that I need to do to be a wonderful mother to them. However, I do know that
I learned from the best, I learned from you and even though I will not be able
to see you, I know that you will be right there helping me through and guiding
me along my way. I know you will, because you always have and even when I did
not deserve it, you were there for me.
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| Me, Mom and Josh in 1997. |
I miss you every day. Now that you are gone there is a very
empty place in my heart that will not be filled because Mom, you are my heart.
You were my best friend, my cheerleader and my home. The hardest thing I ever
had to do was let you go, please know that. I just always wanted to protect you
and tried to until the very end. People tell me all the time how sorry they are
and how wonderful you were. Mom do you know how amazing it is to hear from so
many people how great you are?! You left some pretty big shoes to fill.
I look back on my life, and every single one of my best
memories includes you. You played dress up with me and were never too busy to
listen to me, or hug me or tell me that you love me. I guess because you always
had the time to offer these things I didn’t realize how special they were. I
always appreciated them, but had no idea how much I would miss them because it
seems unreal that you are gone.
Like I said, I know that you already know all of this, but I
got a new job that I really like, and I know this sounds silly, but I’m moving
and for some reason it really upsets me. I think it’s because this will be my
first place that you will not see. It’s like you won’t know where I live. It’s
pretty ridiculous I know, but it is just another realization that I’ve had to
face. I told you that I would do whatever I could to make you proud, and I
promise you I will. You have my word, and we both know how insanely stubborn I
am…lol.
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| Mom and I at Senior Day at NSU 2009. |
Sometimes when I miss you, I have several voicemails of
yours saved on my phone and I just listen to them over and over, because it is
just nice to hear your voice. I will listen to Bette Midler, watch movies like
Beaches and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, visit your church and probably more
than anything else, I will talk about you. I always have talked about you,
telling stories about things we would do when I was younger, but I think I do
it more now. I think it is my way of making sure people remember you and know
that it is not just that I thought you were amazing because you were my mom,
but that you really were.
Mommy, thank you. Thank you for loving me all the time, no
matter what. Thank you for all of the memories, thank you for believing in me
and thank you for forgiving me for being a jerk. I’m glad that I got to know
you as an adult. I’m glad that I got to be your person, and I know you would
feel bad about confiding certain things in me, but know that I never felt bad
about it. It made me feel special that you needed me because I had spent so
much time needing you. It made me feel special that you treated me like an
adult and thought I was mature enough to not just be your daughter, but also
your friend. Mom, thank you so much for always making me feel special and
important. Thank you for being my angel.
I know that you and Papa Gene are up there watching over us
all. I cannot wait until the day that I can see you again. I also know that
tomorrow OU will beat Texas if you and Poppy have anything to say about it…hahahaha.
As hard as it was to do what I did, I would do it all over again if I knew that
it meant I could spend just one more day with you and tell you all of these
things. Thank you for being you and thank you for being my mom. I am proud of
you and you were enough, more than enough. I am proud to have been your
daughter.
Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you and I miss you more than
words can express. Until I see you again…
Love
Always,
Your
daughter and angel baby
Cassandra
B.
"The
Other C.B."
