I should tell you

There are some people who can just say whatever is on their minds without holding back. Some see this as a flaw, I on the other hand applaud and envy those with this gift. I'm an analytical person who sits there and thinks everything through. I wish I had an ounce of spontaneity in my body, but unfortunately that's not the way I was made. I'm a bit of a control freak, but one thing I am capable of doing is admitting my flaws.

I'll just cut to the chase. I'm a chicken. I've guarded myself and put up huge walls because I sadly assume that it is necessary. I've done this to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically the inevitable still seems to happen. Wall or no wall, I still manage to get hurt. There is no way to protect myself. This is a fact that I am learning.

There is a person out there that I meant to tell something, but I chickened out. This is what I do. I hate to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my sleeve, because when you do that it gives others power over you and that is a concept outside my realm of comfort, but here it goes. I know it is probably too late, but I should have come clean about this a long time ago. You may never read this, but…

Hey,

I think you already know what I’m going to say and everybody else already knows too. It’s blatantly obvious and something I've been fighting off saying or truly acting upon for years now.

I always talk myself up to tell you these things when I know I’m going to see you (because I think it should be done in person), but when I do finally see you (which is rare) I just can’t bring myself to, either because I don’t know when the next time I’m going to see you will be and I don’t want to ruin the few moments we have together. Or because deep down I think I know what you will say and once you throw it out there, you won’t be able to take it back and that will be the end.

I've been scared. Scared of what you will think or say, scared of what my friends will think, scared of what everybody will think really and super scared to admit it to myself.

It’s ironic to think that I haven’t told you because I was afraid of losing whatever it was that I thought we had and inevitably that is what appears to be happening anyway.

Obviously, I've had a crush on you for a long time, that crush evolved into what I considered a true friendship, with that friendship came love and unavoidably ended up with me not just loving you as my friend, but falling IN love with you. Crazy right?!?! Yeah, I thought so too.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but when I look back over the years I should have known exactly where this was headed. I remember when I first met you, I was 21. I thought you were handsome and sweet, I looked like a hot mess, but you zoned in on me the whole night for whatever reason. After that, I decided that I might kind of sort of maybe kind of like you.

The next time I saw you our mutual group of friends went out for karaoke night, a small group of us decided to go to the bar for a few and I said I would go, you asked if you could join and I said sure. After we left Ned’s to head back to rejoin the group you did something. You held my hand, I looked up at you, you smiled and said, “is this OK?” I don’t think I said anything, just nodded and smiled back. That was the first time I had butterflies for you.

As time progressed and everyone provided their input on the topic of you and I, I thought maybe you weren't somebody I should be with. You didn't want to be in a relationship with me and that is clearly something that never changed for you. I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, some days it seemed like a good idea and other days it didn't.

Crazy enough, over the last few years you went through numerous relationships and somehow despite that, I felt like you and I continued to get closer. To me, we went from being acquaintances that made out from time to time to actual friends and somebody I genuinely enjoyed hearing from and truly missed. You were my fun-times, no strings attached guy, yet somehow evolved into being one of my best friends.

It would have been much easier for me to have just chalked it all up to you being some hot guy that I kind of liked for a little while and moved on…if I had just stopped kissing you. I can’t deny that there was one consistent factor in our inconsistent whatever we've had (not a relationship).

Every time we kissed I felt something…fireworks, butterflies, passion, sparks or whatever you want to call it. You’re kisses made my heart melt and my toes curl and even when I was convinced that you were not the guy for me; if we kissed I had to start that thought process all over again.

First turning point for me was the night in the alley behind Redman Studios. You were always bad about remembering things and I took it to mean that to you it wasn't worth being remembered, but you brought up that night when we talked in my car outside of your apartment for a long time my senior year of college. You said that was one of the best moments you thought we had together. I remembered that night and had hoped it was one of the ones you didn't remember because I felt like an idiot (at the time and even now).

Second turning point for me was one year later. Eric and I had gone out of town for Spring Break for a week and you and I just went and hung out. I really had missed you and once I cut through all your BS you finally admitted that you had missed me too.

The next night you met up with us downtown and you and I just sat outside and talked, I even got you to dance…lol. I remember thinking that you had changed (in a good way) and most of the hesitation on my end of the whole “could I ever be with you” was resolved. Again, later that night I made a complete ass out of myself, but you didn't let it faze you. I told you I felt stupid and you told me not to.

Sorry I made “feeling stupid” a habit with you. I just never felt more comfortable with anybody else. I felt like I could do and say things with you that I just couldn't with anybody else.

After that visit, we spoke more frequently and I thought we were moving in the right direction, until all of a sudden things just changed. I went through my whole “Cooper thing” and she moved to be closer to you. I got my heart broken by somebody else and then you weren't in my life anymore either.

We finally started talking again and this last year was the most I had ever considered that this might actually happen for us. My feelings for you were much stronger than before and that scared me so I refused to face it, but despite all the denial and constant years of saying, “we’re just friends”, I knew better. I loved you like I love all of my friends, but something changed. I no longer wanted to be content with our flirty friendship, I was starting to realize that I wanted the real thing.

I hate that I feel all of these things about you and that they are not reciprocated. There were times that you made that clear through your actions, there were times that the lines seemed blurred and then there are times that I could have sworn you felt the same way.

I hate that I feel stupid. I hate that I let my guard down. I hate that you planted all these promiseeds in my head – intentional or not. I hate that you did exactly what I knew you were going to do and that I was still shocked. I hate that I don’t mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I hate that I was this disposable to you and that you didn't consider me or my feelings at all. I hate that you won’t talk to me and that I want you to. I hate that I knew better and that I've had to be secretly humiliated and heartbroken because I was too much of a baby to ever say what I thought or felt because I needed to not be “that stupid girl”. And most of all I hate that I do love you and that I am never going to hear or know or understand your side of things.

You told me you bought a ring to stop an argument, not to start one. I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m just trying to understand. If you knew you didn't want to be with me and you knew you were where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, why didn't you just respect me enough to tell me so? That’s one of the things I liked most about you, no matter how blunt, you were always honest with me. Even if it was something you knew I didn't want to hear, you told me the truth.

I’m not an asshole, I would have respected your decision and just have been your friend, but the years in limbo changed that. Did you ever care? Did you ever want the things you talked about? I have so many questions that only you can answer.

The last time I saw you, I was joking around that deep down you knew that you had missed me and you said, “Yeah, more than I’d ever admit to.” See here’s the thing, that defensive jackass thing that you do, I get it. I do the same thing!

You’re just as stubborn and guarded as I am. This makes saying these things that much harder, but if I learned anything in this last year since my mom died it’s that “too late” is not when somebody is still around to hear it, “too late” is when they aren't.

So that’s it. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to quote Grey’s Anatomy and say, “pick me, choose me, love me”. I want to not feel hurt and I want you to feel the same way about me as I do you.

This would be one of those moments when I would say, “OK, I love you” and then get all embarrassed and say, “Oh my God I feel so stupid.” You know me and you know that’s exactly how this would pan out, but it’s the truth. I’m embarrassed, I feel stupid and I love you.

I hope this someday finds you and that it is not a goodbye. If you feel the same way I do at all, I hope you know you can just tell me and you don’t have to go the chicken shit route of posting it online (like me). You can just call and tell me.

This is me, heart on my sleeve, vulnerable and all. I miss you!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Don't Be Stupid

It seems the old rules of the golden age unfortunately have not filtered down to the generations that followed. Tradition is no longer something that is seen as beautiful or a thing to admire, but instead it is viewed as old school and non-progressive. The roles of men and women and societal expectations have changed, along with the way that people treat one another.

Please do not take this out of context, I for one am extremely appreciative of some of the changes that have occurred. As a woman, I would hate it if I were still viewed as being the weaker sex (oh wait…that still happens). I appreciate that racism is culturally viewed as being wrong (but there are still backwoods thinking folk out there who disagree with me). I guess what I really have an issue with is that people pick and choose what to embrace as greatness from the past and what they choose to see as an ignorant timeworn train of thought.

One thing I am sad to see die out is chivalry. That’s right. It has come to my attention that chivalry just may be a dead art form, language, action and thought.

Allow me to provide you with examples/evidence.

Before you continue reading, please know that this is not going to be me just putting guys on blast for their rude, thoughtless and degrading behavior. I think women are equally to blame for the loss of chivalry. I also blame pop culture, society and the parents who are not teaching their sons and daughters how to treat one another.

Example # 1: My senior year of college I was the editor of my college paper and every week I wrote a column entitled, “Look at me I’m Sandra D”. This column was basically about whatever was on my mind that week. One week I wrote a particular piece about an off putting situation. There is a guy I was friends-ish with who asked me if I wanted to grab something to eat. We went to dinner, he drove me home and was normal acting until we pulled up to my apartment. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him I couldn't because I had things to do, but thanked him for dinner. He left, I went upstairs and proceeded to work on my homework. About an hour later I received a text from him stating that he was home alone and bored, wanted me to come over, have sex with him then leave. I was LIVID! Who did this guy think he was? I had given him no implication that I was interested in him like that at all. After I went off on him for being so rude, he told me not to worry about it, because he would end up getting some anyway. Even later that evening I ran into him at the bar with one of our mutual male friends and told him unless he planned on doing our friend, it didn't

seem that he was going to end up getting any.

Example #2: Several months ago I started receiving blank texts from a phone number I did not know and was only receiving them late at night or early in the mornings (while I was still asleep). I assumed it was a mistake and asked who it was, but never got a response. The messages were coming about once every 3-6 weeks. Finally one day I received a message with words. After a long string of messages where the sender tried to get me to figure out who they were, advising me that they were married and letting me know what they wanted to do to me (explicitly advising me of how good they would make me feel, etc…), I finally unraveled this mystery. The guy finally fessed up to the fact that he was the husband of one of my nearest and dearest friends. Again I was DISGUSTED!

Example # 3: Just recently I hung out with a guy that I do not know very well at all. He initiated contact by inviting me to hang out so that we could get to know one another a little better (not sexually). Once I agreed he told me that he was excited and I told him it sounded like fun. We hung out one night watched a movie and chatted a little bit. I left that evening feeling like I may potentially have a new friend in my life and that he seemed like a nice enough guy. A few days later we hung out again and again I felt the same way upon going home; that is until I received a text message the following day. This less than subtle text said that he had really wanted to have sex with me the previous night. WOW!

I throw all of these examples out there as evidence to support my feelings on the topic of chivalry. These situations have only further affirmed my belief that it is in fact dead, now we need to understand why.

Let’s first analyze what exactly these guys are offering…the obvious answer is sex, right? The less than obvious answer is nothing. Nothing except for a completely self-absorbed action that really requires nothing from me or about me. They think they are offering something great?!?! This comes from the fact that a man’s world revolves around what he has between his legs. So the way he sees it is that it’s a nice suggestion for a nice time. The way I see it is different. (WARNING: what I’m about to say may sound crude, but it’s just as assertive of a response as the inquiry it derived from).

All this request says to me is that you are offering me some possible foreplay that will inevitably result in a big win for you, another notch on your belt that somehow lets you think you are “the man” and if I’m lucky (the likelihood of which is slim) a big “O” and lack of self-respect for myself. They think they are offering me a good time and I think they are offering me a big NOTHING!!!

At no point in any of these requests did these men say anything about how they liked me, thought about my wants or needs, appreciated me as a person. No nothing about any of it had to do with me. Hell all I really needed to be there for was to provide a hole. Nice…right?! Ridiculous is more like it.

You really just said to me that you didn't like or respect me at all. How flattering is that? Not one of these guys even attempted flattery. I didn't even get so much as a compliment to soften me up to the idea. What happened to courting? Yet again, another dead concept.

It can’t just be that all men really are this stupid can it? No it’s deeper than that.

Women men don’t just wake up one day and think today is the day that I’m going to be a complete creep and just say what I think. No it’s something that has probably worked for them in the past, which means that some woman out there said yes to these requests. Men treat us this way because we allow it.

Women we want to be equals so bad that we forget that we are not men. We don’t think or react the way that they do. Guys speak differently to each other than they do to us and they should. We don’t communicate the same way, but I for one don’t want some guy to burp, scratch his junk and make crude remarks about other women in front of me. I want them to be considerate and kind. Not fake, just respectful. That is not too much to ask.

We, the women of my generation have grown up watching Samantha on Sex and the City, listening to Madonna, reading Chelsea Handler and being advised to have a voice of our own. Yes a voice, but not a penis. We have every right to say that we want respect, now I say we demand it. Yes I can open my own freaking door, but it is super sweet when you do it.

We need to let guys know how much we appreciate these little things that they do for us so that they continue to do so. If they are not feeling valued why should they go that extra mile. We have to reaffirm that these are novel ideas they have, not just something expected. We have to let them know we appreciate their kindness so that they are more willing to offer it.

Samantha teaches us that women think of sex the same way men do, and some may, but I don’t. What is sex without feeling? Physically for me, as a woman if I don’t feel passion in my heart, I assure it will not be felt anywhere else. Madonna taught us to take control of our bodies and sexually to be equal to men. Chelsea has taught us to speak like men. I for one admire a lot of things about these women and what they represent, but I’m just not 100 percent on board with it all.

Yes, Samantha I should not be treated unequal in a man’s world, but I don’t want to be a man. I should be equal because I am a human. Yes, Madonna I should take control of my body, by saying no when I am rudely asked to sleep with someone I am taking that control. Yes, Chelsea it is not fair that men can say whatever they want and women are supposed to be submissive; seen but not heard. However, sometimes I like that I can talk about my feelings and emotions and not be laughed at or judged for doing so. Most men don’t have that luxury and when they do, we tell them how “gay” they are. Yes I appreciate these aspects of feminism, but within context.

Not all men can possibly be this closed minded and rude. Some of the most romantic things provided to us through pop culture are created by men. If they create it, then they think it. That tells me that they know the right thing.

Nicholas Sparks writes the most romantic, passionate thoughtful words into his stories. He creates emotionally moving works of art and he is a man. Neyo writes and sings songs about love and what men should do for their women. It’s thoughtful and kind and he is a man. There is evidence to suggest that men centuries ago were capable of chivalry; Going all the way back to William Shakespeare who wrote what could be argued to be the most romantic piece of literature of all-time, Romeo and Juliet. He wrote words and depicted male characters that truly, madly, deeply cared for their female counterparts. This is evident in his poetry and sonnets and he too was a man.

Women is it our fault that guys believe they can talk to us like this? Is it pop culture’s fault for saying that we are cool with it? Is it the parents of these men’s fault? Is it because these men have grown up in homes where fathers were absent so they have not been exposed to how it is that a man should treat a woman? Is it because their mothers are so busy they have not taught their sons what it is that women want or that they stayed in a bad relationship just because they did not want to be alone?

Same thing goes for the women of my generation; do we just accept that this is the way it should be because we have deep-rooted daddy issues? Did our mom’s teach us to climb that latter and be equal to men in every aspect of our lives. Or are we rebelling from the roles that our moms thought they were supposed to fulfill by being the stay-at-home mother and housewife. Are we trying to prove that we are better than our mothers?

I’m not sure who to place the blame on, but I am sure of one thing. Offering me your penis is not the same thing as offering me your heart and I promise you will not be receiving consent on my side if you have no interest in me beyond my body. Unlike Lady Gaga and R. Kelly’s new song, you cannot do what you want (what you want) with my body, because I am the full package. If you want my body you will also receive my heart, my mind, my respect, my loyalty and my love; which really is a much better deal.

Who do you think is to blame?  

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."