I'll be there for you

So I was advised that this week was "Bestie Week", now I'm not going to research this and find out if that is true or not, but in the interest of transparency I thought I would go ahead and let you know. I also do not feel that a specific week needs to be set aside that one needs to realize and recognize that their "person" is important to them. So with that being said, I believe we should recognize every day as bestie day!

Now that I have gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about friendships today and why each one of them is so imperative to our existence. I want to talk about why it is necessary to have people in our lives and why being a "best friend whore" is important (yes Amanda...that one is for you). So lets get to it!

Not every person is brought into your life for a reason, but every person you choose to remain in it has a purpose. This is because these people bring something out in you or fill some kind of void, thus making them a requirement in your life.

One of the biggest mistakes I think people make when talking about their friends is assigning one of them as their "best friend" and the rest are just "friends", making them sound like they are less important and they aren't...no friend would make another friend feel that way. Look at "Sex and the City", who would you say was Carrie's BFF? You can't because she has three! See it's alright to have more than one because people need people!

This year I took a new job, away from all my peeps and the ones that were closer (in proximity), weren't super close and I knew that realistically I would never see them because they are living their own lives and let me tell you what, I felt super lonely. I would spend a majority of my days (when not at work) alone in my apartment (I shouldn't say alone...I had my dog Bentley), but I was lacking human interaction. It was depressing and not a way that one should live their life. I made friends, and from time to time I would get to see my old friends. The phone became my most important accessory...I would talk and text ALL THE TIME. Not that I didn't do that before, but the phone became my lifeline. The fact is people need people because without them...I was a big hot mess in a very dark and twisty kind of place. No bueno!

This is where I will explain why being a "best friend whore" is important. You have to have more than one friend...you should have many full of great quality, not many for the purpose of having great quantity. There are people we meet that it feels like we have known our entire lives, others who immediately you just click with because they get you or think just like you. Some friends are your polar opposite and expose you to things you never would do on your own, therefore making you a more well rounded person. There are friends you go to when you are in desperate need for a good time and others you go to when you are in desperate need of a good cry. Some friends you can go months without speaking to and pick right back up where you left off like no time has passed at all. Some friends you have to talk to every day or it just feels off. Some friends are your girls, some are your guys, some are your sisters or brothers, aunts or mom.

I like to categorize mine with different BFF names. If you are given a nickname by me, that automatically means that I consider you one of my besties. So you are either your nickname (Code for best friend), my person, my bestie, my bff, my sister, my bestie guy friend, my bestie girl friend, my Mommy, my girl, my guy, Handsome, Mixty, Beck, Palin, Terrence, Sis, Sib, Biggy, Trystle, niece, Little Linda, Fry Rye, Little one, Boo Boo, Boo Boo Panda Bear, Kare Bear, Katerax, Joshy, kiddo, pisshole, koala bear, my motherf'ing scientist, c-lowe, my jew, cuz, Jay-Z, honey, honey bunches, rooms, rommie, etc... If your name is shortened and I call you by your full name that's a good sign that you are one of my besties, If I've shortened your name and call you by your first initial, if I have ever been in your wedding party (or if you are planning on me being...yeah I'm working on my 27 Dresses status). Really if I call you by any term of endearment really then you are probably on my VIP BFF list.  I am sure I have left people off, but I hope that if you are one of my BFF's then you know it already.

So regardless of whether or not it is in fact Bestie Week...call, text, or remind the people that you love that you can't imagine a world without them. Celebrate Bestie week...this week and every other one to follow!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

“The Other C.B.”

Dirty Little Secret

Conflicting messages are what we are all being bombarded with when it comes to today’s entertainment industry. Film is an art form and art is supposed to reflect real life. Screenwriters and authors write stories, which most times are not entirely fictional, even if that is the genre. Most of these “stories” have a hint or more of a personal life occurrence that the writer or someone they know has experienced. So the age old question remains, does art imitate life or does life imitate art?

I have been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately, so please forgive me for the examples that will be used, but on a complete side note I only have one more season to go before I can say that I have seen the entire series…yay for me…finishing what I start…lol. Now back to my point.

Cheating is wrong. Obviously! Right? 

Every movie or show we watch proves this fact, or does it? 

In some scenarios it does. Take Tyler Perry’s movie “Temptation” for example. This beautiful, smart, successful, happily married woman who has a wonderful adoring husband decides to cheat on him with a more “successful” man. Due to her actions the cheatee ends up being a crazy HIV infected abusive a-hole and the aforementioned adulterating woman ends up alone with the HIV. This is clearly an extreme example of how cheating is portrayed as wrong, now let’s look at the alternative.

 

Grey’s Anatomy, Friends, Gossip Girl and Sex and the City, what do all of these shows have in common other than the fact that I love them all? Cheating, that’s what! 

Interesting twist, they each offer cheating that is completely understandable and even justifiable. Allow me to explain.

Each heroine from these shows has found herself in this situation. After years of building a back and forth relationship with the woman’s “soulmate”, each woman is put in some kind of cheating situation, but as viewers we don’t even get mad at them for this. Why? Cheating is wrong, right?

Meredith becomes the “dirty mistress” in her steaming love affair with a married McDreamy, but when his wife Addison cheated on him with the oh so hot Dr. Sloan she was definitely in the wrong, no question about that. However, when Mer and Derrick do it, as an audience we wanted them to, we expected it. It had to happen for the show to go on.

The “we were on a break” story line from Friends. Ross cheats on Rachel and we hate him for it. Rachel constantly gets in the way of him and his relationships by making Ross cheat (not necessarily with sex, but emotional cheating occurs for sure) and we get it. It doesn’t even come up on our radar that she is the other woman because how can she be the “other” when we know she is the “one”?

Gossip Girl character Blair Waldorf finds herself in a crazy love triangle between her Parisian prince and her beloved Chuck Bass. Before we know that the prince is a putz we empathize with him as a viewer, but ultimately struggle with the back and forth relationship of Chuck and Blair for all six seasons of the show. Cheating is just anecdotal drama needed for the show. We know Chuck and Blair will be together because they have to be.

Then of course there is the Big mistake made by Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City. The Big affair. This is when Carrie is dating the perfect boyfriend one could ask for Aiden, but somehow still ends up hooking up with her ex manfriend Mr. Big who is married to a twenty-something year old named Natasha. Viewers were pissed-ish at Carrie for doing this, but not long enough to hate her because we understood that it was a force of nature that drew her into the arms of Mr. Big and that my friends is what we refer to as fate.  

These characters that we have emotionally invested in and see so much of ourselves in, make this horrendous mistake and we forgive them because we know they were unexplainably drawn to this other person, so in actuality it wasn’t their fault. They had to either cheat on or cheat with to get their man back, right?! 

Do we believe this to be true in our own lives? These plot lines do not try to justify whoring around, but to be the cheater or the cheatee with that one special person…is that OK? Do we have one free pass if it is our great love and if so will this keep us from the damnation and judgment of others?

So ladies and gentleman, the question on the table today is…do you think it is OK to cheat if and only if it is for the sole purpose in completing our life’s story? Is it ever justifiable to partake in this specific act of defiance?  

Obviously if you cheat you will not necessarily end up with AIDS and death (but you may). 

Is it possible that we know we are chasing after our soul mate when we do cheat? How do we know that this particular individual is our special someone?

The problem is the media has blurred the lines between right and wrong, what some see as black and white can also be seen through shades of grey. 

We love Meredith Grey, Rachel Green, Blair Waldorf and Carrie Bradshaw, we as women see ourselves in them. So is it alright if our Derrick, Ross, Chuck or Mr. Big are currently with someone else that we try to get them back. Is the flirting, tempting and emotional relationship on the side acceptable? Is this cheating different from other circumstances of adultery? Would we even define what we are doing as cheating?

There is no denying that there are certain people in this world that we are drawn to without any explanation. The very essence of their being somehow completes and consumes us. We have had this man in our lives in some kind of capacity for some time, so there is now history there, which only further affirms our notion of purposeful passion and dare I say it, true love.  

If we find that they are somehow in a relationship with another woman, is it reasonable for us to take matters into our own hands and still have a relationship with this man? Is it alright if we are doing it for the sake of “true love” or because we are “supposed to end up with them?”

We are the lead woman, and the heroine of the story of our life, so I believe we make sense of it to others and to ourselves because it has made sense in the aforementioned situations. We are not the type of women who would cheat, but many find that they are the type that will push limits and bend rules to get the man that they are destined to be with back, but how do we know that he is that man?

I ask these questions and pass no judgment, but I would love to hear your responses. I myself have found myself in some questionable situations at times, so I assure that calling you out for your answers, whichever way you believe is not my intention. I simply would love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Just some food for thought, until next time…

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

“The Other C.B.”

I should tell you

There are some people who can just say whatever is on their minds without holding back. Some see this as a flaw, I on the other hand applaud and envy those with this gift. I'm an analytical person who sits there and thinks everything through. I wish I had an ounce of spontaneity in my body, but unfortunately that's not the way I was made. I'm a bit of a control freak, but one thing I am capable of doing is admitting my flaws.

I'll just cut to the chase. I'm a chicken. I've guarded myself and put up huge walls because I sadly assume that it is necessary. I've done this to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically the inevitable still seems to happen. Wall or no wall, I still manage to get hurt. There is no way to protect myself. This is a fact that I am learning.

There is a person out there that I meant to tell something, but I chickened out. This is what I do. I hate to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my sleeve, because when you do that it gives others power over you and that is a concept outside my realm of comfort, but here it goes. I know it is probably too late, but I should have come clean about this a long time ago. You may never read this, but…

Hey,

I think you already know what I’m going to say and everybody else already knows too. It’s blatantly obvious and something I've been fighting off saying or truly acting upon for years now.

I always talk myself up to tell you these things when I know I’m going to see you (because I think it should be done in person), but when I do finally see you (which is rare) I just can’t bring myself to, either because I don’t know when the next time I’m going to see you will be and I don’t want to ruin the few moments we have together. Or because deep down I think I know what you will say and once you throw it out there, you won’t be able to take it back and that will be the end.

I've been scared. Scared of what you will think or say, scared of what my friends will think, scared of what everybody will think really and super scared to admit it to myself.

It’s ironic to think that I haven’t told you because I was afraid of losing whatever it was that I thought we had and inevitably that is what appears to be happening anyway.

Obviously, I've had a crush on you for a long time, that crush evolved into what I considered a true friendship, with that friendship came love and unavoidably ended up with me not just loving you as my friend, but falling IN love with you. Crazy right?!?! Yeah, I thought so too.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but when I look back over the years I should have known exactly where this was headed. I remember when I first met you, I was 21. I thought you were handsome and sweet, I looked like a hot mess, but you zoned in on me the whole night for whatever reason. After that, I decided that I might kind of sort of maybe kind of like you.

The next time I saw you our mutual group of friends went out for karaoke night, a small group of us decided to go to the bar for a few and I said I would go, you asked if you could join and I said sure. After we left Ned’s to head back to rejoin the group you did something. You held my hand, I looked up at you, you smiled and said, “is this OK?” I don’t think I said anything, just nodded and smiled back. That was the first time I had butterflies for you.

As time progressed and everyone provided their input on the topic of you and I, I thought maybe you weren't somebody I should be with. You didn't want to be in a relationship with me and that is clearly something that never changed for you. I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, some days it seemed like a good idea and other days it didn't.

Crazy enough, over the last few years you went through numerous relationships and somehow despite that, I felt like you and I continued to get closer. To me, we went from being acquaintances that made out from time to time to actual friends and somebody I genuinely enjoyed hearing from and truly missed. You were my fun-times, no strings attached guy, yet somehow evolved into being one of my best friends.

It would have been much easier for me to have just chalked it all up to you being some hot guy that I kind of liked for a little while and moved on…if I had just stopped kissing you. I can’t deny that there was one consistent factor in our inconsistent whatever we've had (not a relationship).

Every time we kissed I felt something…fireworks, butterflies, passion, sparks or whatever you want to call it. You’re kisses made my heart melt and my toes curl and even when I was convinced that you were not the guy for me; if we kissed I had to start that thought process all over again.

First turning point for me was the night in the alley behind Redman Studios. You were always bad about remembering things and I took it to mean that to you it wasn't worth being remembered, but you brought up that night when we talked in my car outside of your apartment for a long time my senior year of college. You said that was one of the best moments you thought we had together. I remembered that night and had hoped it was one of the ones you didn't remember because I felt like an idiot (at the time and even now).

Second turning point for me was one year later. Eric and I had gone out of town for Spring Break for a week and you and I just went and hung out. I really had missed you and once I cut through all your BS you finally admitted that you had missed me too.

The next night you met up with us downtown and you and I just sat outside and talked, I even got you to dance…lol. I remember thinking that you had changed (in a good way) and most of the hesitation on my end of the whole “could I ever be with you” was resolved. Again, later that night I made a complete ass out of myself, but you didn't let it faze you. I told you I felt stupid and you told me not to.

Sorry I made “feeling stupid” a habit with you. I just never felt more comfortable with anybody else. I felt like I could do and say things with you that I just couldn't with anybody else.

After that visit, we spoke more frequently and I thought we were moving in the right direction, until all of a sudden things just changed. I went through my whole “Cooper thing” and she moved to be closer to you. I got my heart broken by somebody else and then you weren't in my life anymore either.

We finally started talking again and this last year was the most I had ever considered that this might actually happen for us. My feelings for you were much stronger than before and that scared me so I refused to face it, but despite all the denial and constant years of saying, “we’re just friends”, I knew better. I loved you like I love all of my friends, but something changed. I no longer wanted to be content with our flirty friendship, I was starting to realize that I wanted the real thing.

I hate that I feel all of these things about you and that they are not reciprocated. There were times that you made that clear through your actions, there were times that the lines seemed blurred and then there are times that I could have sworn you felt the same way.

I hate that I feel stupid. I hate that I let my guard down. I hate that you planted all these promiseeds in my head – intentional or not. I hate that you did exactly what I knew you were going to do and that I was still shocked. I hate that I don’t mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I hate that I was this disposable to you and that you didn't consider me or my feelings at all. I hate that you won’t talk to me and that I want you to. I hate that I knew better and that I've had to be secretly humiliated and heartbroken because I was too much of a baby to ever say what I thought or felt because I needed to not be “that stupid girl”. And most of all I hate that I do love you and that I am never going to hear or know or understand your side of things.

You told me you bought a ring to stop an argument, not to start one. I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m just trying to understand. If you knew you didn't want to be with me and you knew you were where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, why didn't you just respect me enough to tell me so? That’s one of the things I liked most about you, no matter how blunt, you were always honest with me. Even if it was something you knew I didn't want to hear, you told me the truth.

I’m not an asshole, I would have respected your decision and just have been your friend, but the years in limbo changed that. Did you ever care? Did you ever want the things you talked about? I have so many questions that only you can answer.

The last time I saw you, I was joking around that deep down you knew that you had missed me and you said, “Yeah, more than I’d ever admit to.” See here’s the thing, that defensive jackass thing that you do, I get it. I do the same thing!

You’re just as stubborn and guarded as I am. This makes saying these things that much harder, but if I learned anything in this last year since my mom died it’s that “too late” is not when somebody is still around to hear it, “too late” is when they aren't.

So that’s it. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to quote Grey’s Anatomy and say, “pick me, choose me, love me”. I want to not feel hurt and I want you to feel the same way about me as I do you.

This would be one of those moments when I would say, “OK, I love you” and then get all embarrassed and say, “Oh my God I feel so stupid.” You know me and you know that’s exactly how this would pan out, but it’s the truth. I’m embarrassed, I feel stupid and I love you.

I hope this someday finds you and that it is not a goodbye. If you feel the same way I do at all, I hope you know you can just tell me and you don’t have to go the chicken shit route of posting it online (like me). You can just call and tell me.

This is me, heart on my sleeve, vulnerable and all. I miss you!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Don't Be Stupid

It seems the old rules of the golden age unfortunately have not filtered down to the generations that followed. Tradition is no longer something that is seen as beautiful or a thing to admire, but instead it is viewed as old school and non-progressive. The roles of men and women and societal expectations have changed, along with the way that people treat one another.

Please do not take this out of context, I for one am extremely appreciative of some of the changes that have occurred. As a woman, I would hate it if I were still viewed as being the weaker sex (oh wait…that still happens). I appreciate that racism is culturally viewed as being wrong (but there are still backwoods thinking folk out there who disagree with me). I guess what I really have an issue with is that people pick and choose what to embrace as greatness from the past and what they choose to see as an ignorant timeworn train of thought.

One thing I am sad to see die out is chivalry. That’s right. It has come to my attention that chivalry just may be a dead art form, language, action and thought.

Allow me to provide you with examples/evidence.

Before you continue reading, please know that this is not going to be me just putting guys on blast for their rude, thoughtless and degrading behavior. I think women are equally to blame for the loss of chivalry. I also blame pop culture, society and the parents who are not teaching their sons and daughters how to treat one another.

Example # 1: My senior year of college I was the editor of my college paper and every week I wrote a column entitled, “Look at me I’m Sandra D”. This column was basically about whatever was on my mind that week. One week I wrote a particular piece about an off putting situation. There is a guy I was friends-ish with who asked me if I wanted to grab something to eat. We went to dinner, he drove me home and was normal acting until we pulled up to my apartment. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him I couldn't because I had things to do, but thanked him for dinner. He left, I went upstairs and proceeded to work on my homework. About an hour later I received a text from him stating that he was home alone and bored, wanted me to come over, have sex with him then leave. I was LIVID! Who did this guy think he was? I had given him no implication that I was interested in him like that at all. After I went off on him for being so rude, he told me not to worry about it, because he would end up getting some anyway. Even later that evening I ran into him at the bar with one of our mutual male friends and told him unless he planned on doing our friend, it didn't

seem that he was going to end up getting any.

Example #2: Several months ago I started receiving blank texts from a phone number I did not know and was only receiving them late at night or early in the mornings (while I was still asleep). I assumed it was a mistake and asked who it was, but never got a response. The messages were coming about once every 3-6 weeks. Finally one day I received a message with words. After a long string of messages where the sender tried to get me to figure out who they were, advising me that they were married and letting me know what they wanted to do to me (explicitly advising me of how good they would make me feel, etc…), I finally unraveled this mystery. The guy finally fessed up to the fact that he was the husband of one of my nearest and dearest friends. Again I was DISGUSTED!

Example # 3: Just recently I hung out with a guy that I do not know very well at all. He initiated contact by inviting me to hang out so that we could get to know one another a little better (not sexually). Once I agreed he told me that he was excited and I told him it sounded like fun. We hung out one night watched a movie and chatted a little bit. I left that evening feeling like I may potentially have a new friend in my life and that he seemed like a nice enough guy. A few days later we hung out again and again I felt the same way upon going home; that is until I received a text message the following day. This less than subtle text said that he had really wanted to have sex with me the previous night. WOW!

I throw all of these examples out there as evidence to support my feelings on the topic of chivalry. These situations have only further affirmed my belief that it is in fact dead, now we need to understand why.

Let’s first analyze what exactly these guys are offering…the obvious answer is sex, right? The less than obvious answer is nothing. Nothing except for a completely self-absorbed action that really requires nothing from me or about me. They think they are offering something great?!?! This comes from the fact that a man’s world revolves around what he has between his legs. So the way he sees it is that it’s a nice suggestion for a nice time. The way I see it is different. (WARNING: what I’m about to say may sound crude, but it’s just as assertive of a response as the inquiry it derived from).

All this request says to me is that you are offering me some possible foreplay that will inevitably result in a big win for you, another notch on your belt that somehow lets you think you are “the man” and if I’m lucky (the likelihood of which is slim) a big “O” and lack of self-respect for myself. They think they are offering me a good time and I think they are offering me a big NOTHING!!!

At no point in any of these requests did these men say anything about how they liked me, thought about my wants or needs, appreciated me as a person. No nothing about any of it had to do with me. Hell all I really needed to be there for was to provide a hole. Nice…right?! Ridiculous is more like it.

You really just said to me that you didn't like or respect me at all. How flattering is that? Not one of these guys even attempted flattery. I didn't even get so much as a compliment to soften me up to the idea. What happened to courting? Yet again, another dead concept.

It can’t just be that all men really are this stupid can it? No it’s deeper than that.

Women men don’t just wake up one day and think today is the day that I’m going to be a complete creep and just say what I think. No it’s something that has probably worked for them in the past, which means that some woman out there said yes to these requests. Men treat us this way because we allow it.

Women we want to be equals so bad that we forget that we are not men. We don’t think or react the way that they do. Guys speak differently to each other than they do to us and they should. We don’t communicate the same way, but I for one don’t want some guy to burp, scratch his junk and make crude remarks about other women in front of me. I want them to be considerate and kind. Not fake, just respectful. That is not too much to ask.

We, the women of my generation have grown up watching Samantha on Sex and the City, listening to Madonna, reading Chelsea Handler and being advised to have a voice of our own. Yes a voice, but not a penis. We have every right to say that we want respect, now I say we demand it. Yes I can open my own freaking door, but it is super sweet when you do it.

We need to let guys know how much we appreciate these little things that they do for us so that they continue to do so. If they are not feeling valued why should they go that extra mile. We have to reaffirm that these are novel ideas they have, not just something expected. We have to let them know we appreciate their kindness so that they are more willing to offer it.

Samantha teaches us that women think of sex the same way men do, and some may, but I don’t. What is sex without feeling? Physically for me, as a woman if I don’t feel passion in my heart, I assure it will not be felt anywhere else. Madonna taught us to take control of our bodies and sexually to be equal to men. Chelsea has taught us to speak like men. I for one admire a lot of things about these women and what they represent, but I’m just not 100 percent on board with it all.

Yes, Samantha I should not be treated unequal in a man’s world, but I don’t want to be a man. I should be equal because I am a human. Yes, Madonna I should take control of my body, by saying no when I am rudely asked to sleep with someone I am taking that control. Yes, Chelsea it is not fair that men can say whatever they want and women are supposed to be submissive; seen but not heard. However, sometimes I like that I can talk about my feelings and emotions and not be laughed at or judged for doing so. Most men don’t have that luxury and when they do, we tell them how “gay” they are. Yes I appreciate these aspects of feminism, but within context.

Not all men can possibly be this closed minded and rude. Some of the most romantic things provided to us through pop culture are created by men. If they create it, then they think it. That tells me that they know the right thing.

Nicholas Sparks writes the most romantic, passionate thoughtful words into his stories. He creates emotionally moving works of art and he is a man. Neyo writes and sings songs about love and what men should do for their women. It’s thoughtful and kind and he is a man. There is evidence to suggest that men centuries ago were capable of chivalry; Going all the way back to William Shakespeare who wrote what could be argued to be the most romantic piece of literature of all-time, Romeo and Juliet. He wrote words and depicted male characters that truly, madly, deeply cared for their female counterparts. This is evident in his poetry and sonnets and he too was a man.

Women is it our fault that guys believe they can talk to us like this? Is it pop culture’s fault for saying that we are cool with it? Is it the parents of these men’s fault? Is it because these men have grown up in homes where fathers were absent so they have not been exposed to how it is that a man should treat a woman? Is it because their mothers are so busy they have not taught their sons what it is that women want or that they stayed in a bad relationship just because they did not want to be alone?

Same thing goes for the women of my generation; do we just accept that this is the way it should be because we have deep-rooted daddy issues? Did our mom’s teach us to climb that latter and be equal to men in every aspect of our lives. Or are we rebelling from the roles that our moms thought they were supposed to fulfill by being the stay-at-home mother and housewife. Are we trying to prove that we are better than our mothers?

I’m not sure who to place the blame on, but I am sure of one thing. Offering me your penis is not the same thing as offering me your heart and I promise you will not be receiving consent on my side if you have no interest in me beyond my body. Unlike Lady Gaga and R. Kelly’s new song, you cannot do what you want (what you want) with my body, because I am the full package. If you want my body you will also receive my heart, my mind, my respect, my loyalty and my love; which really is a much better deal.

Who do you think is to blame?  

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Lucky

Some of you may already know this about me and some of you may not, but I love me some Britney Spears! It's true and a fact that I simply won't deny. So when thinking about how to title this post it made sense to me to use one of her song titles. For those of you who are not familiar with the song, listen now...

For those of you who know it, then you can only assume what the rest of this post will be about...the answer to that is...Perception!

People always think the grass is greener elsewhere, but lets think about it. How can that be? Nobody's life is perfect and as cliché as it may sound it is true; people always want what they don't have. From the most minuscule thing, like the girl with curls who wishes for straight hair to big things like milestones in life.

Not too long ago I was talking to one of my friends about work and future plans. He told me I could go anywhere and that I was lucky to not have anything holding me back. He said, "Cassandra it's great that you're not attached to anything." What he meant as a compliment is the one thing that vividly stands out in my mind. 

Lucky? He thought I was lucky! I said nothing to him about this, as I know what he meant and continued the conversation like normal, but in the back of my head all I could think was...lucky?

To me, I took being unattached to mean, being empty and with nothing. That doesn't seem like a very fulfilling life, does it? 

Here's the deal, yeah I guess to some having no "obligations" or "attachments" would be a good thing, but I want to be obligated and attached. I want to matter enough to someone that it would impact them if I were to just up and leave. I want a family whose needs I put before my own. I want children to be a priority. I want to have to run my plan by someone else because I respect them enough to not just do whatever I want to do, I want to make decisions because they are what is best for "us", not just "me". So to some this may sound like a burden, but to me it sounds like perfection.

Yeah, I mean I guess it certainly has its perks and has at some points in my life made things much easier. Being young, I think it is important to have the option to be selfish, figure out who you are and what you want, but eventually it gets redundant just thinking about yourself. 

There is something wonderful about being able to care for and about someone else. I saw my mother do it her whole life, and where I wish she would have put herself first at times, her selflessness is one of her most admirable qualities. It gave her joy and happiness to make others feel joy and happiness. I think that's wonderful!

Another one of my friends and I were talking about how we had cabin fever while cooped up in our homes due to this years Snowmageddon/ice storm. I said I had an Amazon addiction and needed to watch myself. He said that was the good thing about being single; you can just buy things for yourself. 

Well yes I mean I guess, I am pretty much in love with the boots that I felt like I had to have, but they don't evoke the same feeling that I get when I walk by baby clothes at the store.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's that biological clock merely ticking away, or maybe it is simply that one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I urge you all to look at both sides of a scenerio in all instances, this will make you a more socially responsible person as well as a more intelligent individual. What you mean complimentary may not conjure the same emotions to someone else. Your thoughts? Lucky! or Lucky? Have you ever felt the opposite of the implication? Tell me all about it. These are my perceptions...

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Happy Birthday Mommy

There are quite literally a million wonderful things that I could say about my mom. If you were blessed enough to have had the chance to get to know her then there is no reason for me to elaborate because you already are aware of her unconditional love to all and her whole-hearted kindness. If you did not get to meet her, then you truly missed out on being in the presence of one truly amazing person. Stylistically, this is not like any other post I’ve ever written, but I feel it is truly the only way to go about it. With that said, feel free to read on. This one is really for her anyway.

Dear Mommy,

Mom, Marissa and I in 1991.

So many things have happened in the seven months that you have been gone. I have wanted to call you countless times and even by reaction started to before remembering that you can’t answer. I know that you already know everything that I want to tell you, but I really do miss being able to. There is so much that I wanted to do with you and for you, that I unfortunately cannot. Mom I wish I could have told you and asked you so many things. Please know that I love you more than words can express and I am sorry that I didn’t tell you so every single day.

To be honest, I am sorry about a lot of things. I am sorry for being so hateful and for believing that I knew everything. The fact is, I didn’t really know much, but as soon as I lost you I certainly gained some perspective. Sadly, there are certain things about you I didn’t get at all until then. I apologize for being so hard on you, I just wanted you to have more in life that what you were allotted, because there was truly nobody else that I thought deserved it more. I wish I had gone to church with you on Saturday nights when you asked me to. I am so regretful that I would not let things go. I’m sorry that I forgot that you wanted me to play Garth Brooks, “TheDance” at your funeral. I was so overwhelmed by the whole week that it didn’t even occur to me until weeks later. 

I was and am the luckiest person in the world, just because you are my mom. You taught me countless things, but most importantly I think, is that you taught me to love. It breaks my heart to think that you will not physically be there to sing with your beautiful voice and give me away at my wedding one day. My children, when I have them ( I mean people children, not Mischief, Sassy and Bentley), will not have the most wonderful grandma anyone could ask for and I will not have you there to teach me and remind me what it is that I need to do to be a wonderful mother to them. However, I do know that I learned from the best, I learned from you and even though I will not be able to see you, I know that you will be right there helping me through and guiding me along my way. I know you will, because you always have and even when I did not deserve it, you were there for me. 

Me, Mom and Josh in 1997.

I miss you every day. Now that you are gone there is a very empty place in my heart that will not be filled because Mom, you are my heart. You were my best friend, my cheerleader and my home. The hardest thing I ever had to do was let you go, please know that. I just always wanted to protect you and tried to until the very end. People tell me all the time how sorry they are and how wonderful you were. Mom do you know how amazing it is to hear from so many people how great you are?! You left some pretty big shoes to fill.

I look back on my life, and every single one of my best memories includes you. You played dress up with me and were never too busy to listen to me, or hug me or tell me that you love me. I guess because you always had the time to offer these things I didn’t realize how special they were. I always appreciated them, but had no idea how much I would miss them because it seems unreal that you are gone.

Like I said, I know that you already know all of this, but I got a new job that I really like, and I know this sounds silly, but I’m moving and for some reason it really upsets me. I think it’s because this will be my first place that you will not see. It’s like you won’t know where I live. It’s pretty ridiculous I know, but it is just another realization that I’ve had to face. I told you that I would do whatever I could to make you proud, and I promise you I will. You have my word, and we both know how insanely stubborn I am…lol. 

Mom and I at Senior Day at NSU 2009.

Sometimes when I miss you, I have several voicemails of yours saved on my phone and I just listen to them over and over, because it is just nice to hear your voice. I will listen to Bette Midler, watch movies like Beaches and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, visit your church and probably more than anything else, I will talk about you. I always have talked about you, telling stories about things we would do when I was younger, but I think I do it more now. I think it is my way of making sure people remember you and know that it is not just that I thought you were amazing because you were my mom, but that you really were. 

Mommy, thank you. Thank you for loving me all the time, no matter what. Thank you for all of the memories, thank you for believing in me and thank you for forgiving me for being a jerk. I’m glad that I got to know you as an adult. I’m glad that I got to be your person, and I know you would feel bad about confiding certain things in me, but know that I never felt bad about it. It made me feel special that you needed me because I had spent so much time needing you. It made me feel special that you treated me like an adult and thought I was mature enough to not just be your daughter, but also your friend. Mom, thank you so much for always making me feel special and important. Thank you for being my angel.

I know that you and Papa Gene are up there watching over us all. I cannot wait until the day that I can see you again. I also know that tomorrow OU will beat Texas if you and Poppy have anything to say about it…hahahaha. As hard as it was to do what I did, I would do it all over again if I knew that it meant I could spend just one more day with you and tell you all of these things. Thank you for being you and thank you for being my mom. I am proud of you and you were enough, more than enough. I am proud to have been your daughter.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you and I miss you more than words can express. Until I see you again…

Love Always,

Your daughter and angel baby

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."