From the sounds of it Beyoncé knows a thing or two, so when she suggested that women take her advice on how to land a man and make him “put a ring on it”, these women would be crazy not to listen to the crazy in love singer right? Beyoncé said you need to be a rules girl and this is what lead to the reawakening of the once popular book all over again.
I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with “The Rules” or the new version of this once controversial book that has been updated to address the rules of dating for women in the digital era. The newly revised version of this best-selling novel is entitled, “The New Rules: The dating dos and don’ts for the digital generation”. According to the cover of this book, “If you’re one of the few women on planet Earth who have not heard of the book, where have you been?” I for one think it is my civic duty to make sure that you are not left in the dark or made to feel like you’ve been living under a rock so I will not only tell you all about the book, but also give you my thoughts and feelings regarding it.
Here is a brief background on the original novel. The Rules came out in 1995 and was not widely accepted by feminist groups due to the fact that the book suggests that it is the man’s job to pursue a relationship. For those involved in the feminist movement this is a complete contradiction to the idea that a woman is capable of doing anything that a man can. The controversy surrounding this book only made it that much more popular.
After Mrs. Sean Carter put her mark on it, the author’s Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider with the assistance of their college-aged daughters referred to in the new book as “Rules Daughter’s” saw the opportunity to dip into a previously lucrative investment and make even more money off of it. So that is just what they did! Re-wrote their old book and threw in some chapters about how to make it relatable to things women have to deal with today and didn’t 15-20 years ago.
Some of the new things would be Instant messaging, texting, sexting, online dating, etc… I have some very strong opinions when it comes to online dating, so I thought it might be interesting to hear another perspective (other than my friends who utilize this ‘scene’ as a plausible option for meeting new people). So I ordered the book and read it. Upon completion these are my thoughts.
It is a simplified dating strategy book created to help us find a man to “put a ring on it” because after all that is what all the single ladies want right? To be married?! I for one do want to be a married woman with the standard 2.5 children etc… I also have some friends who know that they do not want to be married women and certainly do not want to have any children. I don’t think that there is a thing in the world wrong with knowing what one wants and what they don’t.
I also have male friends who want to be married and one’s that don’t. I think that is important to know too. The difference being that if a man wants to be a perpetual bachelor he is considered a George Clooney and that is sexy. If a woman doesn’t want these things then there is something wrong with her or she is a lesbian. This is the social default to these scenarios; something that I firmly disagree with.
The book is broken down to 31 different rules, much less than that of wedding crashing and some I agree with wholeheartedly and others I am less than happy with. The rules are basically as follows:
The book says to be mysterious and suggests many ways to do this and then it says to look a certain way. If all women follow these rules won’t we all look the same and if so does that make us a creature unlike any other or does that make us all the same? Plus who is to say that all men are attracted to the exact same thing? Everyone has a type right?
The book says that women are never to approach, ask out, talk, flirt, text, FB, Tweet, IM, e-mail, Skype, sit or stand next to a guy first. Let the man approach you. If you do any of these things than you are simply prolonging the inevitable and that is that the relationship will end if it ever starts. It is up to a man as to whether or not a relationship is going to go somewhere or not and there is not a thing in the world a woman can do to change that. This concept kind of bothers me. Does that mean that if only guys that I am not interested in are interested in me, then I either need to settle for one of them or be alone? How does that work for me?
Ladies one of the things that I do agree with from the book is that at times we can be over eager and this can push guys away. This is due to the fact that we have had to kiss so many toads before finding our prince and once some guys comes in and we have the slightest suspicion that he might be “the one”, we go bat-shit. Respond to his texts seconds after we receive one, blow his phone up, write all over his wall, basically start marking our territory. Unless your boy is R. Kelly this approach will not work. We e-mail and text novels (which nobody has time to read), we talk…talk…talk.
The over-talking thing is no bueno. Not only do we leave out all mystery, but it’s exhausting. When I say we do this, we not only do this to the guys in our lives, but we also seem to do it to our best friends. When we aren’t talking to the guy we are talking about them. The guy hates this and your friends do too. We liked you just fine before you met THIS GUY. Your friends are friends with you…not with him. Don’t ruin friendships over your obsessiveness. I have a friend who doesn’t know how to talk about anything besides guys. She is an online dater so there are times that I can’t keep track of which one is which and she goes through them so quickly there really is no point in listening because next week we will be talking about another one. It’s annoying to say the least, but I let it slide because I talk about the same non-relationship guy I have had in my life with her all the time too, which I am sure is equally as annoying.
We tend to let men and our relationship become all consuming, as though they are the very air to our lungs. Women we make them too much a part of our lives when in actuality we may simply be a very miniscule part of theirs. Another thing about this is that we have no shame about this AT ALL. It’s like we want them to know that we will re-arrange our lives around them. What we need to remember is that we had a life before this man and if it comes down to it we will still have one after him. This is super duper important and something I whole-heartedly agreed with.
The book suggests not making ourselves too available. This is necessary. And as much as it says to not make it seem like he is the most important thing in your life, simplify that…don’t make him the most important thing in your life until you are the most important thing in his. We should not just hang out all the time with this guy or cancel our plans when he comes up with some last minute. He is not the only person in your life. When he says jump, don’t say how high. Some self-respect is completely necessary for a healthy relationship and ladies we are not stupid so we should know this already.
The points that the book address in terms of self-respect are not ones that I felt necessary to be lectured because to me they should be common knowledge, but apparently that is not the case for everyone so in a nut-shell this is what Fein and Schneider have to say: Don’t pay for everything, if you do how will you know if he likes you or what you can do for him, J.LO said it best when she advised that her love don’t cost a thing. Don’t always be the one to show up to his place, make him put forth effort to see you…or else maybe you are just a convenient lay? Don’t relocate for a guy unless there has been some kind of serious commitment conversation had and he is equally as willing to move for you. Ladies this means don’t job hunt or look for colleges that are closer to your guy…or the guy you want to be yours.
Ladies why do we do this to ourselves? Some cute guy smiles at us and we get those butterflies in our tummy and all of a sudden the world we lived in prior to our interaction with this man means nothing and we cannot see a world for ourselves without him in it. We are willing to do anything…including leave everyone and everything we know behind just to be near him? This is retarded!!! Don’t ever invest that much in someone if they don’t do the same for you.
Some other obvious things mentioned in the book that I looked at and thought… “well no shit” were these: don’t get wasted on dates or at parties, not only is this not safe you run the risk of saying and doing things you normally wouldn’t say or do. Don’t sext because you never know what he will do with these pictures, don’t accept booty calls, wait before you end up having sex with him, don’t date somebody who cancels on you more than one time, don’t be self-destructive by dating married men, unavailable men or those who give mixed-messages about where you stand in their life, be sure to weed out bad guys (meaning those who cheat, have addiction problems, are players or all around time wasters).
OK so maybe I say no duh…pretty sure I’ve been guilty of SOME of these things…but why? I’m not stupid so why have I fallen into some of these patterns? Because I am a woman and that is what we do. We make excuses for these guys and inevitably let them run the whole game. Some of the best romantic comedies address these very things and still we perpetuate this kind of life. So is it art reflecting life or life reflecting art?
The movie He’s Just Not That Into You is easily about The Rules and had these women followed “The Rules” they wouldn’t be left broken-hearted, blah, blah, blah, except for those that are the exception…it gets complicated obviously. Then look at “The Ugly Truth” with Katherine Hiegl and Gerard Butler. She’s crazy with all these checklists and rules and regulations to dating, to which nasty bad boy Butler with a heartbreaking back story which makes him a broken thing to mend, responds by telling her she is nuts and that guys really are as deep as a puddle. In the end everything works out for these two because it is just crazy enough to work out. They balance each other, etc… Well ladies be realistic we are not all adorable, sweet and warm under our possessive and control freak exterior, not every woman is Dr. Izzie Stevens the same way not every asshole guy is going to turn out to be Gerard Butler. Some guys are just assholes and some chicks are just crazy ass control freaks. Period!
Don’t Facebook stalk is another rule. This is to keep you from sounding like a psycho by accidently bringing up things that you would only know if you had creeped his page. Funny how this is something that women don’t think of as being creepy, but something that will send a guy flying in the opposite direction almost immediately. Guys consider it doing homework, women get obsessive and make it part of their daily routine, same as brushing their teeth and hair. I once talked to an extremely eloquent guy (because my taste is impeccable) and he would tell me things about myself that he would only know from FB and I let it go as he was doing his research, but he would insist that I only knew certain things about him because I was doing the same thing…this was not the case. I was just a much better listener with a much better memory than him. He then would mention things about his ex and how she was crazy with him on Facebook and creeped through his stuff like crazy because, “BBC”…which he advised me meant Bitches Be Crazy! Which can of course be true…same could be said about men sometimes.
The book also says to go to the gym because let’s face it guys don’t want to be with a big girl…well that may be one reason I guess, but really we should take care of ourselves for us. If you don’t love yourself how do you expect anyone else to? Go to the gym…yes, but do it for you, not so that you can be landed by some guy.
If you like it then you should have put a ring on it comes into play with rule number 30. “Don’t date indefinitely without a commitment”. Like we have heard a million times before, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? This is my entire problem with “playing house”. It’s a personal decision and one that you can agree or disagree with, but for me when I get married one day I don’t want it to be just someday where we go back to our home that we have already lived in and settle back into our regular routine…I want it to be new. I don’t want to cohabitate because I want our homes to be separate until we are husband and wife. Not everyone feels this way, but I do. I respect your opinions and know a million people who I am close to that have lived with their spouse prior to marriage and that is just fine for them…just not my thing.
The biggest thing I took from this book was to be confident in yourself, play the game, but make him think that it is all his idea, use some common sense, don’t be a skank, respect yourself and you too will be the next Mrs. Whomever. If you follow these rules and become a rules girl everything will work out just fine.
The BIGGEST PROBLEM I have with this book is this: 1)I HATE with a passion that dating is considered a game and that there are rules at all. If I find my Mr. Right should it really be that hard? 2) I like rule-breakers (you know bad boys that go against the grain) so does this even pertain to me…or this particular breed of man? 3) We bitch and bitch about guys playing games with us (BSB said to Quit Playing Games with Their Hearts, and I took note)…but this book is a guideline on how to play THE GAME…why? 4) WOMEN, MEN DO NOT READ BOOKS TELLING THEM HOW TO GET MARRIED OR FIND A RELATIONSHIP…SO WHY DO WE? Our entire lives we are told that girls are smarter than boys, but maybe they have something figured out that we don’t. They don’t need somebody to tell them how to do this…they just do it! To me that is freaking awesome. Way to be a go-getter guys!
WHAT WE SHOULD DO: Take the good things from this book, make a personal investment in yourself, love you so that when you are faced with that special someone you will be confident in you. Be open to new possibilities because you never know where or when you will meet that person. Don’t make them a bigger deal to you than you are to them. Be honest with yourself about the person that you are with and don’t make excuses or hang out in limbo waiting for them. If it is long distance make sure he is willing to come to you before you go off and see him a million times. Relationships should be equal. Love long, love hard and know that if it doesn’t work out with one person that doesn’t mean it won’t work out with another. Heart break sucks, but you can always learn something about yourself from the experience. Figure out who you are and what you want. Be very honest about that and don’t make compromises with things that are important to you. Love yourself and he will too.
These are just my thoughts and if you are a rules girl and this has worked for you…I’d love to hear all about it. Guys what are things that are make or break for you? I’d love to compare and contrast with what I read in the book, my personal experiences and what YOU have to say. Commentary from both sexes is always welcome. Not just welcome, but appreciated! I hope to hear from you all soon!!!!
Love Always,
Cassandra B.
"The Other C.B."
