Happy Birthday Mommy

There are quite literally a million wonderful things that I could say about my mom. If you were blessed enough to have had the chance to get to know her then there is no reason for me to elaborate because you already are aware of her unconditional love to all and her whole-hearted kindness. If you did not get to meet her, then you truly missed out on being in the presence of one truly amazing person. Stylistically, this is not like any other post I’ve ever written, but I feel it is truly the only way to go about it. With that said, feel free to read on. This one is really for her anyway.

Dear Mommy,

Mom, Marissa and I in 1991.

So many things have happened in the seven months that you have been gone. I have wanted to call you countless times and even by reaction started to before remembering that you can’t answer. I know that you already know everything that I want to tell you, but I really do miss being able to. There is so much that I wanted to do with you and for you, that I unfortunately cannot. Mom I wish I could have told you and asked you so many things. Please know that I love you more than words can express and I am sorry that I didn’t tell you so every single day.

To be honest, I am sorry about a lot of things. I am sorry for being so hateful and for believing that I knew everything. The fact is, I didn’t really know much, but as soon as I lost you I certainly gained some perspective. Sadly, there are certain things about you I didn’t get at all until then. I apologize for being so hard on you, I just wanted you to have more in life that what you were allotted, because there was truly nobody else that I thought deserved it more. I wish I had gone to church with you on Saturday nights when you asked me to. I am so regretful that I would not let things go. I’m sorry that I forgot that you wanted me to play Garth Brooks, “TheDance” at your funeral. I was so overwhelmed by the whole week that it didn’t even occur to me until weeks later. 

I was and am the luckiest person in the world, just because you are my mom. You taught me countless things, but most importantly I think, is that you taught me to love. It breaks my heart to think that you will not physically be there to sing with your beautiful voice and give me away at my wedding one day. My children, when I have them ( I mean people children, not Mischief, Sassy and Bentley), will not have the most wonderful grandma anyone could ask for and I will not have you there to teach me and remind me what it is that I need to do to be a wonderful mother to them. However, I do know that I learned from the best, I learned from you and even though I will not be able to see you, I know that you will be right there helping me through and guiding me along my way. I know you will, because you always have and even when I did not deserve it, you were there for me. 

Me, Mom and Josh in 1997.

I miss you every day. Now that you are gone there is a very empty place in my heart that will not be filled because Mom, you are my heart. You were my best friend, my cheerleader and my home. The hardest thing I ever had to do was let you go, please know that. I just always wanted to protect you and tried to until the very end. People tell me all the time how sorry they are and how wonderful you were. Mom do you know how amazing it is to hear from so many people how great you are?! You left some pretty big shoes to fill.

I look back on my life, and every single one of my best memories includes you. You played dress up with me and were never too busy to listen to me, or hug me or tell me that you love me. I guess because you always had the time to offer these things I didn’t realize how special they were. I always appreciated them, but had no idea how much I would miss them because it seems unreal that you are gone.

Like I said, I know that you already know all of this, but I got a new job that I really like, and I know this sounds silly, but I’m moving and for some reason it really upsets me. I think it’s because this will be my first place that you will not see. It’s like you won’t know where I live. It’s pretty ridiculous I know, but it is just another realization that I’ve had to face. I told you that I would do whatever I could to make you proud, and I promise you I will. You have my word, and we both know how insanely stubborn I am…lol. 

Mom and I at Senior Day at NSU 2009.

Sometimes when I miss you, I have several voicemails of yours saved on my phone and I just listen to them over and over, because it is just nice to hear your voice. I will listen to Bette Midler, watch movies like Beaches and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, visit your church and probably more than anything else, I will talk about you. I always have talked about you, telling stories about things we would do when I was younger, but I think I do it more now. I think it is my way of making sure people remember you and know that it is not just that I thought you were amazing because you were my mom, but that you really were. 

Mommy, thank you. Thank you for loving me all the time, no matter what. Thank you for all of the memories, thank you for believing in me and thank you for forgiving me for being a jerk. I’m glad that I got to know you as an adult. I’m glad that I got to be your person, and I know you would feel bad about confiding certain things in me, but know that I never felt bad about it. It made me feel special that you needed me because I had spent so much time needing you. It made me feel special that you treated me like an adult and thought I was mature enough to not just be your daughter, but also your friend. Mom, thank you so much for always making me feel special and important. Thank you for being my angel.

I know that you and Papa Gene are up there watching over us all. I cannot wait until the day that I can see you again. I also know that tomorrow OU will beat Texas if you and Poppy have anything to say about it…hahahaha. As hard as it was to do what I did, I would do it all over again if I knew that it meant I could spend just one more day with you and tell you all of these things. Thank you for being you and thank you for being my mom. I am proud of you and you were enough, more than enough. I am proud to have been your daughter.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you and I miss you more than words can express. Until I see you again…

Love Always,

Your daughter and angel baby

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Complicated

Hello all! It has been some time since my last post and allow me to truly preface that it was out of my realm of thought for how much my life could truly change in only a matter of hours. My absence from textual conversation was not for lack of wanting to write, but instead lack of what to write. No...not the infamous writers block, but instead I have been faced with a plethora of emotions that I have no idea how to deal with.

Since my last post a million things have changed. I started a new job, not the position of my dreams, but I am very happy there and everyone is sincerely and legitimately kind. I think it is somewhere I could truly be happy working at for a very long time, but like my previous employment situations it is not a job that requires any of the skills that I worked so hard to master...literally with a degree. However, if I could find a way to use these skills I have aquired to navigate my way to a higher position. That office is one in which I would be happy to remain employed.

The loss of many people in my life, whether it be by one's choice or by God is something that has truly impacted me and my entire thought process about EVERYTHING! My Mom died on March 5 this year and that incident has left a giant hole not only in my heart, but my life as well. Losing Mom, my best friend, the one person who was always on my side is not something that I thought I would have to deal with as a mere 26 year old. It sounds rediculous, but it's the way I feel. I may be an "adult", but I still need my Mommy. I may be an "adult", but I feel as if I am orphaned. I have sat down a million times since her passing to write about her and there simply are not enough words to express how much she meant to me.

I have tried to think about significant events of my life to share, because I thoroughly LOVE talking about Mom and in no way do I want to forget her or anybody else for that matter, but it's really hard. She is a part of almost every single significant event that has occured in my life. March 5 was one day out of 26 years. Most of which were amazing because I was blessed with the most wonderful mother in the entire world.

The truth of the matter is I am still me, but my life is now split into two different periods. Life with Mom and life after. I know who I was, but now I'm not entirely sure who I am. Where does one go from here? When I am ready to write about Mom and everything it will not be able to be one post, but instead a series of them. One would be a disgrace and I know that for a blog writing an epic novel is not something that anyone would venture to read. The point of posting about Mom is so that I can share her life with other's, so it is essential that their is a desire from those of you out there to want to hear about it. So standby...there is more to come about Mom, known to most as Paula.

As previously mentioned a couple of paragraphs before I have suffered the loss of many people. Mom and Poppy due to death. The other's because for one reason or another they no longer want to include me in their life. One is a boy who has been the topic of a post, the other's are family members. One of those members no longer feels that it is necissary to have any kind of contact with me because, "we have nothing in common" and the other has no choice because she is a child and is limited in her options. I need it to be known that I miss and love each and everyone of these people who are now absent from my life.

This post is not to be depressing, but instead to explain that things are different. In closing I would like to say that I have a TON of things that I would love to write about and one day when I can get my 500 million thoughts in order I will start to share them. Some things are funny, some sad, some analytical and some are just straight up girly. Regardless, they are my thoughts and they are little pieces of information that will shine some insight into who I am. Until then...take care of yourselves, go see your mom because you never know when the last time will be, love and cherish the relationships that you do have with all of those you have selected to be in your life. Remember that families are a blessing and that even if we do not always agree that does not in any way mean that we do not care. Be sweet to eachother! Until then...stay tuned!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."