It seems the old rules of the golden age unfortunately have
not filtered down to the generations that followed. Tradition is no longer
something that is seen as beautiful or a thing to admire, but instead it is
viewed as old school and non-progressive. The roles of men and women and
societal expectations have changed, along with the way that people treat one
another.
Please do not take this out of context, I for one am
extremely appreciative of some of the changes that have occurred. As a woman, I
would hate it if I were still viewed as being the weaker sex (oh wait…that
still happens). I appreciate that racism is culturally viewed as being wrong
(but there are still backwoods thinking folk out there who disagree with me). I
guess what I really have an issue with is that people pick and choose what to
embrace as greatness from the past and what they choose to see as an ignorant
timeworn train of thought.
One thing I am sad to see die out is chivalry. That’s right.
It has come to my attention that chivalry just may be a dead art form,
language, action and thought.
Allow me to provide you with examples/evidence.
Before you continue reading, please know that this is not
going to be me just putting guys on blast for their rude, thoughtless and
degrading behavior. I think women are equally to blame for the loss of
chivalry. I also blame pop culture, society and the parents who are not
teaching their sons and daughters how to treat one another.
Example # 1: My
senior year of college I was the editor of my college paper and every week I
wrote a column entitled, “Look at me I’m Sandra D”. This column was basically
about whatever was on my mind that week. One week I wrote a particular piece
about an off putting situation. There is a guy I was friends-ish with who asked
me if I wanted to grab something to eat. We went to dinner, he drove me home
and was normal acting until we pulled up to my apartment. He asked if I wanted
to hang out and I told him I couldn't because I had things to do, but thanked him
for dinner. He left, I went upstairs and proceeded to work on my homework. About
an hour later I received a text from him stating that he was home alone and
bored, wanted me to come over, have sex with him then leave. I was LIVID! Who did this guy think he
was? I had given him no implication that I was interested in him like that at
all. After I went off on him for being so rude, he told me not to worry about
it, because he would end up getting some anyway. Even later that evening I ran
into him at the bar with one of our mutual male friends and told him unless he
planned on doing our friend, it didn't
seem that he was going to end up getting
any.
Example #2:
Several months ago I started receiving blank texts from a phone number I did
not know and was only receiving them late at night or early in the mornings
(while I was still asleep). I assumed it was a mistake and asked who it was,
but never got a response. The messages were coming about once every 3-6 weeks.
Finally one day I received a message with words. After a long string of
messages where the sender tried to get me to figure out who they were, advising
me that they were married and letting me know what they wanted to do to me
(explicitly advising me of how good they would make me feel, etc…), I finally
unraveled this mystery. The guy finally fessed up to the fact that he was the
husband of one of my nearest and dearest friends. Again I was DISGUSTED!
Example # 3: Just
recently I hung out with a guy that I do not know very well at all. He
initiated contact by inviting me to hang out so that we could get to know one
another a little better (not sexually). Once I agreed he told me that he was
excited and I told him it sounded like fun. We hung out one night watched a
movie and chatted a little bit. I left that evening feeling like I may
potentially have a new friend in my life and that he seemed like a nice enough
guy. A few days later we hung out again and again I felt the same way upon
going home; that is until I received a text message the following day. This
less than subtle text said that he had really wanted to have sex with me the
previous night. WOW!
I throw all of these examples out there as evidence to
support my feelings on the topic of chivalry. These situations have only
further affirmed my belief that it is in fact dead, now we need to understand
why.
Let’s first analyze what exactly these guys are offering…the
obvious answer is sex, right? The less than obvious answer is nothing. Nothing
except for a completely self-absorbed action that really requires nothing from me
or about me. They think they are offering something great?!?! This comes from
the fact that a man’s world revolves around what he has between his legs. So
the way he sees it is that it’s a nice suggestion for a nice time. The way I
see it is different. (WARNING: what I’m about to say may sound crude, but it’s
just as assertive of a response as the inquiry it derived from).
All this request says to me is that you are offering me some
possible foreplay that will inevitably result in a big win for you, another
notch on your belt that somehow lets you think you are “the man” and if I’m
lucky (the likelihood of which is slim) a big “O” and lack of self-respect for
myself. They think they are offering me a good time and I think they are
offering me a big NOTHING!!!
At no point in any of these requests did these men say
anything about how they liked me, thought about my wants or needs, appreciated
me as a person. No nothing about any of it had to do with me. Hell all I really
needed to be there for was to provide a hole. Nice…right?! Ridiculous is more
like it.
You really just said to me that you didn't like or respect
me at all. How flattering is that? Not one of these guys even attempted
flattery. I didn't even get so much as a compliment to soften me up to the
idea. What happened to courting? Yet again, another dead concept.
It can’t just be that all men really are this stupid can it?
No it’s deeper than that.
Women men don’t just wake up one day and think today is the
day that I’m going to be a complete creep and just say what I think. No it’s
something that has probably worked for them in the past, which means that some
woman out there said yes to these requests. Men treat us this way because we
allow it.
Women we want to be equals so bad that we forget that we are
not men. We don’t think or react the way that they do. Guys speak differently
to each other than they do to us and they should. We don’t communicate the same
way, but I for one don’t want some guy to burp, scratch his junk and make crude
remarks about other women in front of me. I want them to be considerate and
kind. Not fake, just respectful. That is not too much to ask.
We, the women of my generation have grown up watching
Samantha on Sex and the City, listening to Madonna, reading Chelsea Handler and
being advised to have a voice of our own. Yes a voice, but not a penis. We have
every right to say that we want respect, now I say we demand it. Yes I can open
my own freaking door, but it is super sweet when you do it.
We need to let guys know how much we appreciate these little
things that they do for us so that they continue to do so. If they are not
feeling valued why should they go that extra mile. We have to reaffirm that
these are novel ideas they have, not just something expected. We have to let
them know we appreciate their kindness so that they are more willing to offer
it.
Samantha teaches us that women think of sex the same way men
do, and some may, but I don’t. What is sex without feeling? Physically for me,
as a woman if I don’t feel passion in my heart, I assure it will not be felt
anywhere else. Madonna taught us to take control of our bodies and sexually to
be equal to men. Chelsea has taught us to speak like men. I for one admire a
lot of things about these women and what they represent, but I’m just not 100
percent on board with it all.
Yes, Samantha I should not be treated unequal in a man’s
world, but I don’t want to be a man. I should be equal because I am a human.
Yes, Madonna I should take control of my body, by saying no when I am rudely
asked to sleep with someone I am taking that control. Yes, Chelsea it is not
fair that men can say whatever they want and women are supposed to be
submissive; seen but not heard. However, sometimes I like that I can talk about
my feelings and emotions and not be laughed at or judged for doing so. Most men
don’t have that luxury and when they do, we tell them how “gay” they are. Yes I
appreciate these aspects of feminism, but within context.
Not all men can possibly be this closed minded and rude.
Some of the most romantic things provided to us through pop culture are created
by men. If they create it, then they think it. That tells me that they know the
right thing.
Nicholas Sparks writes the most romantic, passionate
thoughtful words into his stories. He creates emotionally moving works of art
and he is a man. Neyo writes and sings songs about love and what men should do
for their women. It’s thoughtful and kind and he is a man. There is evidence to
suggest that men centuries ago were capable of chivalry; Going all the way back
to William Shakespeare who wrote what could be argued to be the most romantic
piece of literature of all-time, Romeo and Juliet. He wrote words and depicted
male characters that truly, madly, deeply cared for their female counterparts.
This is evident in his poetry and sonnets and he too was a man.
Women is it our fault that guys believe they can talk to us
like this? Is it pop culture’s fault for saying that we are cool with it? Is it
the parents of these men’s fault? Is it because these men have grown up in
homes where fathers were absent so they have not been exposed to how it is that
a man should treat a woman? Is it because their mothers are so busy they have
not taught their sons what it is that women want or that they stayed in a bad
relationship just because they did not want to be alone?
Same thing goes for the women of my generation; do we just
accept that this is the way it should be because we have deep-rooted daddy
issues? Did our mom’s teach us to climb that latter and be equal to men in
every aspect of our lives. Or are we rebelling from the roles that our moms thought
they were supposed to fulfill by being the stay-at-home mother and housewife.
Are we trying to prove that we are better than our mothers?
I’m not sure who to place the blame on, but I am sure of one
thing. Offering me your penis is not the same thing as offering me your heart
and I promise you will not be receiving consent on my side if you have no
interest in me beyond my body. Unlike Lady Gaga and R. Kelly’s new song, you
cannot do what you want (what you want) with my body, because I am the full package.
If you want my body you will also receive my heart, my mind, my respect, my
loyalty and my love; which really is a much better deal.
Who do you think is to blame?
Love Always,
Cassandra B.
"The Other
C.B."
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