I should tell you

There are some people who can just say whatever is on their minds without holding back. Some see this as a flaw, I on the other hand applaud and envy those with this gift. I'm an analytical person who sits there and thinks everything through. I wish I had an ounce of spontaneity in my body, but unfortunately that's not the way I was made. I'm a bit of a control freak, but one thing I am capable of doing is admitting my flaws.

I'll just cut to the chase. I'm a chicken. I've guarded myself and put up huge walls because I sadly assume that it is necessary. I've done this to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically the inevitable still seems to happen. Wall or no wall, I still manage to get hurt. There is no way to protect myself. This is a fact that I am learning.

There is a person out there that I meant to tell something, but I chickened out. This is what I do. I hate to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my sleeve, because when you do that it gives others power over you and that is a concept outside my realm of comfort, but here it goes. I know it is probably too late, but I should have come clean about this a long time ago. You may never read this, but…

Hey,

I think you already know what I’m going to say and everybody else already knows too. It’s blatantly obvious and something I've been fighting off saying or truly acting upon for years now.

I always talk myself up to tell you these things when I know I’m going to see you (because I think it should be done in person), but when I do finally see you (which is rare) I just can’t bring myself to, either because I don’t know when the next time I’m going to see you will be and I don’t want to ruin the few moments we have together. Or because deep down I think I know what you will say and once you throw it out there, you won’t be able to take it back and that will be the end.

I've been scared. Scared of what you will think or say, scared of what my friends will think, scared of what everybody will think really and super scared to admit it to myself.

It’s ironic to think that I haven’t told you because I was afraid of losing whatever it was that I thought we had and inevitably that is what appears to be happening anyway.

Obviously, I've had a crush on you for a long time, that crush evolved into what I considered a true friendship, with that friendship came love and unavoidably ended up with me not just loving you as my friend, but falling IN love with you. Crazy right?!?! Yeah, I thought so too.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but when I look back over the years I should have known exactly where this was headed. I remember when I first met you, I was 21. I thought you were handsome and sweet, I looked like a hot mess, but you zoned in on me the whole night for whatever reason. After that, I decided that I might kind of sort of maybe kind of like you.

The next time I saw you our mutual group of friends went out for karaoke night, a small group of us decided to go to the bar for a few and I said I would go, you asked if you could join and I said sure. After we left Ned’s to head back to rejoin the group you did something. You held my hand, I looked up at you, you smiled and said, “is this OK?” I don’t think I said anything, just nodded and smiled back. That was the first time I had butterflies for you.

As time progressed and everyone provided their input on the topic of you and I, I thought maybe you weren't somebody I should be with. You didn't want to be in a relationship with me and that is clearly something that never changed for you. I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, some days it seemed like a good idea and other days it didn't.

Crazy enough, over the last few years you went through numerous relationships and somehow despite that, I felt like you and I continued to get closer. To me, we went from being acquaintances that made out from time to time to actual friends and somebody I genuinely enjoyed hearing from and truly missed. You were my fun-times, no strings attached guy, yet somehow evolved into being one of my best friends.

It would have been much easier for me to have just chalked it all up to you being some hot guy that I kind of liked for a little while and moved on…if I had just stopped kissing you. I can’t deny that there was one consistent factor in our inconsistent whatever we've had (not a relationship).

Every time we kissed I felt something…fireworks, butterflies, passion, sparks or whatever you want to call it. You’re kisses made my heart melt and my toes curl and even when I was convinced that you were not the guy for me; if we kissed I had to start that thought process all over again.

First turning point for me was the night in the alley behind Redman Studios. You were always bad about remembering things and I took it to mean that to you it wasn't worth being remembered, but you brought up that night when we talked in my car outside of your apartment for a long time my senior year of college. You said that was one of the best moments you thought we had together. I remembered that night and had hoped it was one of the ones you didn't remember because I felt like an idiot (at the time and even now).

Second turning point for me was one year later. Eric and I had gone out of town for Spring Break for a week and you and I just went and hung out. I really had missed you and once I cut through all your BS you finally admitted that you had missed me too.

The next night you met up with us downtown and you and I just sat outside and talked, I even got you to dance…lol. I remember thinking that you had changed (in a good way) and most of the hesitation on my end of the whole “could I ever be with you” was resolved. Again, later that night I made a complete ass out of myself, but you didn't let it faze you. I told you I felt stupid and you told me not to.

Sorry I made “feeling stupid” a habit with you. I just never felt more comfortable with anybody else. I felt like I could do and say things with you that I just couldn't with anybody else.

After that visit, we spoke more frequently and I thought we were moving in the right direction, until all of a sudden things just changed. I went through my whole “Cooper thing” and she moved to be closer to you. I got my heart broken by somebody else and then you weren't in my life anymore either.

We finally started talking again and this last year was the most I had ever considered that this might actually happen for us. My feelings for you were much stronger than before and that scared me so I refused to face it, but despite all the denial and constant years of saying, “we’re just friends”, I knew better. I loved you like I love all of my friends, but something changed. I no longer wanted to be content with our flirty friendship, I was starting to realize that I wanted the real thing.

I hate that I feel all of these things about you and that they are not reciprocated. There were times that you made that clear through your actions, there were times that the lines seemed blurred and then there are times that I could have sworn you felt the same way.

I hate that I feel stupid. I hate that I let my guard down. I hate that you planted all these promiseeds in my head – intentional or not. I hate that you did exactly what I knew you were going to do and that I was still shocked. I hate that I don’t mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I hate that I was this disposable to you and that you didn't consider me or my feelings at all. I hate that you won’t talk to me and that I want you to. I hate that I knew better and that I've had to be secretly humiliated and heartbroken because I was too much of a baby to ever say what I thought or felt because I needed to not be “that stupid girl”. And most of all I hate that I do love you and that I am never going to hear or know or understand your side of things.

You told me you bought a ring to stop an argument, not to start one. I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m just trying to understand. If you knew you didn't want to be with me and you knew you were where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, why didn't you just respect me enough to tell me so? That’s one of the things I liked most about you, no matter how blunt, you were always honest with me. Even if it was something you knew I didn't want to hear, you told me the truth.

I’m not an asshole, I would have respected your decision and just have been your friend, but the years in limbo changed that. Did you ever care? Did you ever want the things you talked about? I have so many questions that only you can answer.

The last time I saw you, I was joking around that deep down you knew that you had missed me and you said, “Yeah, more than I’d ever admit to.” See here’s the thing, that defensive jackass thing that you do, I get it. I do the same thing!

You’re just as stubborn and guarded as I am. This makes saying these things that much harder, but if I learned anything in this last year since my mom died it’s that “too late” is not when somebody is still around to hear it, “too late” is when they aren't.

So that’s it. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to quote Grey’s Anatomy and say, “pick me, choose me, love me”. I want to not feel hurt and I want you to feel the same way about me as I do you.

This would be one of those moments when I would say, “OK, I love you” and then get all embarrassed and say, “Oh my God I feel so stupid.” You know me and you know that’s exactly how this would pan out, but it’s the truth. I’m embarrassed, I feel stupid and I love you.

I hope this someday finds you and that it is not a goodbye. If you feel the same way I do at all, I hope you know you can just tell me and you don’t have to go the chicken shit route of posting it online (like me). You can just call and tell me.

This is me, heart on my sleeve, vulnerable and all. I miss you!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Complicated

Hello all! It has been some time since my last post and allow me to truly preface that it was out of my realm of thought for how much my life could truly change in only a matter of hours. My absence from textual conversation was not for lack of wanting to write, but instead lack of what to write. No...not the infamous writers block, but instead I have been faced with a plethora of emotions that I have no idea how to deal with.

Since my last post a million things have changed. I started a new job, not the position of my dreams, but I am very happy there and everyone is sincerely and legitimately kind. I think it is somewhere I could truly be happy working at for a very long time, but like my previous employment situations it is not a job that requires any of the skills that I worked so hard to master...literally with a degree. However, if I could find a way to use these skills I have aquired to navigate my way to a higher position. That office is one in which I would be happy to remain employed.

The loss of many people in my life, whether it be by one's choice or by God is something that has truly impacted me and my entire thought process about EVERYTHING! My Mom died on March 5 this year and that incident has left a giant hole not only in my heart, but my life as well. Losing Mom, my best friend, the one person who was always on my side is not something that I thought I would have to deal with as a mere 26 year old. It sounds rediculous, but it's the way I feel. I may be an "adult", but I still need my Mommy. I may be an "adult", but I feel as if I am orphaned. I have sat down a million times since her passing to write about her and there simply are not enough words to express how much she meant to me.

I have tried to think about significant events of my life to share, because I thoroughly LOVE talking about Mom and in no way do I want to forget her or anybody else for that matter, but it's really hard. She is a part of almost every single significant event that has occured in my life. March 5 was one day out of 26 years. Most of which were amazing because I was blessed with the most wonderful mother in the entire world.

The truth of the matter is I am still me, but my life is now split into two different periods. Life with Mom and life after. I know who I was, but now I'm not entirely sure who I am. Where does one go from here? When I am ready to write about Mom and everything it will not be able to be one post, but instead a series of them. One would be a disgrace and I know that for a blog writing an epic novel is not something that anyone would venture to read. The point of posting about Mom is so that I can share her life with other's, so it is essential that their is a desire from those of you out there to want to hear about it. So standby...there is more to come about Mom, known to most as Paula.

As previously mentioned a couple of paragraphs before I have suffered the loss of many people. Mom and Poppy due to death. The other's because for one reason or another they no longer want to include me in their life. One is a boy who has been the topic of a post, the other's are family members. One of those members no longer feels that it is necissary to have any kind of contact with me because, "we have nothing in common" and the other has no choice because she is a child and is limited in her options. I need it to be known that I miss and love each and everyone of these people who are now absent from my life.

This post is not to be depressing, but instead to explain that things are different. In closing I would like to say that I have a TON of things that I would love to write about and one day when I can get my 500 million thoughts in order I will start to share them. Some things are funny, some sad, some analytical and some are just straight up girly. Regardless, they are my thoughts and they are little pieces of information that will shine some insight into who I am. Until then...take care of yourselves, go see your mom because you never know when the last time will be, love and cherish the relationships that you do have with all of those you have selected to be in your life. Remember that families are a blessing and that even if we do not always agree that does not in any way mean that we do not care. Be sweet to eachother! Until then...stay tuned!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."