I should tell you

There are some people who can just say whatever is on their minds without holding back. Some see this as a flaw, I on the other hand applaud and envy those with this gift. I'm an analytical person who sits there and thinks everything through. I wish I had an ounce of spontaneity in my body, but unfortunately that's not the way I was made. I'm a bit of a control freak, but one thing I am capable of doing is admitting my flaws.

I'll just cut to the chase. I'm a chicken. I've guarded myself and put up huge walls because I sadly assume that it is necessary. I've done this to protect myself from being hurt, but ironically the inevitable still seems to happen. Wall or no wall, I still manage to get hurt. There is no way to protect myself. This is a fact that I am learning.

There is a person out there that I meant to tell something, but I chickened out. This is what I do. I hate to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on my sleeve, because when you do that it gives others power over you and that is a concept outside my realm of comfort, but here it goes. I know it is probably too late, but I should have come clean about this a long time ago. You may never read this, but…

Hey,

I think you already know what I’m going to say and everybody else already knows too. It’s blatantly obvious and something I've been fighting off saying or truly acting upon for years now.

I always talk myself up to tell you these things when I know I’m going to see you (because I think it should be done in person), but when I do finally see you (which is rare) I just can’t bring myself to, either because I don’t know when the next time I’m going to see you will be and I don’t want to ruin the few moments we have together. Or because deep down I think I know what you will say and once you throw it out there, you won’t be able to take it back and that will be the end.

I've been scared. Scared of what you will think or say, scared of what my friends will think, scared of what everybody will think really and super scared to admit it to myself.

It’s ironic to think that I haven’t told you because I was afraid of losing whatever it was that I thought we had and inevitably that is what appears to be happening anyway.

Obviously, I've had a crush on you for a long time, that crush evolved into what I considered a true friendship, with that friendship came love and unavoidably ended up with me not just loving you as my friend, but falling IN love with you. Crazy right?!?! Yeah, I thought so too.

There are a million reasons why I shouldn't, but when I look back over the years I should have known exactly where this was headed. I remember when I first met you, I was 21. I thought you were handsome and sweet, I looked like a hot mess, but you zoned in on me the whole night for whatever reason. After that, I decided that I might kind of sort of maybe kind of like you.

The next time I saw you our mutual group of friends went out for karaoke night, a small group of us decided to go to the bar for a few and I said I would go, you asked if you could join and I said sure. After we left Ned’s to head back to rejoin the group you did something. You held my hand, I looked up at you, you smiled and said, “is this OK?” I don’t think I said anything, just nodded and smiled back. That was the first time I had butterflies for you.

As time progressed and everyone provided their input on the topic of you and I, I thought maybe you weren't somebody I should be with. You didn't want to be in a relationship with me and that is clearly something that never changed for you. I went back and forth with the idea in my mind, some days it seemed like a good idea and other days it didn't.

Crazy enough, over the last few years you went through numerous relationships and somehow despite that, I felt like you and I continued to get closer. To me, we went from being acquaintances that made out from time to time to actual friends and somebody I genuinely enjoyed hearing from and truly missed. You were my fun-times, no strings attached guy, yet somehow evolved into being one of my best friends.

It would have been much easier for me to have just chalked it all up to you being some hot guy that I kind of liked for a little while and moved on…if I had just stopped kissing you. I can’t deny that there was one consistent factor in our inconsistent whatever we've had (not a relationship).

Every time we kissed I felt something…fireworks, butterflies, passion, sparks or whatever you want to call it. You’re kisses made my heart melt and my toes curl and even when I was convinced that you were not the guy for me; if we kissed I had to start that thought process all over again.

First turning point for me was the night in the alley behind Redman Studios. You were always bad about remembering things and I took it to mean that to you it wasn't worth being remembered, but you brought up that night when we talked in my car outside of your apartment for a long time my senior year of college. You said that was one of the best moments you thought we had together. I remembered that night and had hoped it was one of the ones you didn't remember because I felt like an idiot (at the time and even now).

Second turning point for me was one year later. Eric and I had gone out of town for Spring Break for a week and you and I just went and hung out. I really had missed you and once I cut through all your BS you finally admitted that you had missed me too.

The next night you met up with us downtown and you and I just sat outside and talked, I even got you to dance…lol. I remember thinking that you had changed (in a good way) and most of the hesitation on my end of the whole “could I ever be with you” was resolved. Again, later that night I made a complete ass out of myself, but you didn't let it faze you. I told you I felt stupid and you told me not to.

Sorry I made “feeling stupid” a habit with you. I just never felt more comfortable with anybody else. I felt like I could do and say things with you that I just couldn't with anybody else.

After that visit, we spoke more frequently and I thought we were moving in the right direction, until all of a sudden things just changed. I went through my whole “Cooper thing” and she moved to be closer to you. I got my heart broken by somebody else and then you weren't in my life anymore either.

We finally started talking again and this last year was the most I had ever considered that this might actually happen for us. My feelings for you were much stronger than before and that scared me so I refused to face it, but despite all the denial and constant years of saying, “we’re just friends”, I knew better. I loved you like I love all of my friends, but something changed. I no longer wanted to be content with our flirty friendship, I was starting to realize that I wanted the real thing.

I hate that I feel all of these things about you and that they are not reciprocated. There were times that you made that clear through your actions, there were times that the lines seemed blurred and then there are times that I could have sworn you felt the same way.

I hate that I feel stupid. I hate that I let my guard down. I hate that you planted all these promiseeds in my head – intentional or not. I hate that you did exactly what I knew you were going to do and that I was still shocked. I hate that I don’t mean nearly as much to you as you do to me. I hate that I was this disposable to you and that you didn't consider me or my feelings at all. I hate that you won’t talk to me and that I want you to. I hate that I knew better and that I've had to be secretly humiliated and heartbroken because I was too much of a baby to ever say what I thought or felt because I needed to not be “that stupid girl”. And most of all I hate that I do love you and that I am never going to hear or know or understand your side of things.

You told me you bought a ring to stop an argument, not to start one. I’m not trying to fight with you; I’m just trying to understand. If you knew you didn't want to be with me and you knew you were where you wanted to be for the rest of your life, why didn't you just respect me enough to tell me so? That’s one of the things I liked most about you, no matter how blunt, you were always honest with me. Even if it was something you knew I didn't want to hear, you told me the truth.

I’m not an asshole, I would have respected your decision and just have been your friend, but the years in limbo changed that. Did you ever care? Did you ever want the things you talked about? I have so many questions that only you can answer.

The last time I saw you, I was joking around that deep down you knew that you had missed me and you said, “Yeah, more than I’d ever admit to.” See here’s the thing, that defensive jackass thing that you do, I get it. I do the same thing!

You’re just as stubborn and guarded as I am. This makes saying these things that much harder, but if I learned anything in this last year since my mom died it’s that “too late” is not when somebody is still around to hear it, “too late” is when they aren't.

So that’s it. I love you. I want to be with you. I want to quote Grey’s Anatomy and say, “pick me, choose me, love me”. I want to not feel hurt and I want you to feel the same way about me as I do you.

This would be one of those moments when I would say, “OK, I love you” and then get all embarrassed and say, “Oh my God I feel so stupid.” You know me and you know that’s exactly how this would pan out, but it’s the truth. I’m embarrassed, I feel stupid and I love you.

I hope this someday finds you and that it is not a goodbye. If you feel the same way I do at all, I hope you know you can just tell me and you don’t have to go the chicken shit route of posting it online (like me). You can just call and tell me.

This is me, heart on my sleeve, vulnerable and all. I miss you!

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Don't Be Stupid

It seems the old rules of the golden age unfortunately have not filtered down to the generations that followed. Tradition is no longer something that is seen as beautiful or a thing to admire, but instead it is viewed as old school and non-progressive. The roles of men and women and societal expectations have changed, along with the way that people treat one another.

Please do not take this out of context, I for one am extremely appreciative of some of the changes that have occurred. As a woman, I would hate it if I were still viewed as being the weaker sex (oh wait…that still happens). I appreciate that racism is culturally viewed as being wrong (but there are still backwoods thinking folk out there who disagree with me). I guess what I really have an issue with is that people pick and choose what to embrace as greatness from the past and what they choose to see as an ignorant timeworn train of thought.

One thing I am sad to see die out is chivalry. That’s right. It has come to my attention that chivalry just may be a dead art form, language, action and thought.

Allow me to provide you with examples/evidence.

Before you continue reading, please know that this is not going to be me just putting guys on blast for their rude, thoughtless and degrading behavior. I think women are equally to blame for the loss of chivalry. I also blame pop culture, society and the parents who are not teaching their sons and daughters how to treat one another.

Example # 1: My senior year of college I was the editor of my college paper and every week I wrote a column entitled, “Look at me I’m Sandra D”. This column was basically about whatever was on my mind that week. One week I wrote a particular piece about an off putting situation. There is a guy I was friends-ish with who asked me if I wanted to grab something to eat. We went to dinner, he drove me home and was normal acting until we pulled up to my apartment. He asked if I wanted to hang out and I told him I couldn't because I had things to do, but thanked him for dinner. He left, I went upstairs and proceeded to work on my homework. About an hour later I received a text from him stating that he was home alone and bored, wanted me to come over, have sex with him then leave. I was LIVID! Who did this guy think he was? I had given him no implication that I was interested in him like that at all. After I went off on him for being so rude, he told me not to worry about it, because he would end up getting some anyway. Even later that evening I ran into him at the bar with one of our mutual male friends and told him unless he planned on doing our friend, it didn't

seem that he was going to end up getting any.

Example #2: Several months ago I started receiving blank texts from a phone number I did not know and was only receiving them late at night or early in the mornings (while I was still asleep). I assumed it was a mistake and asked who it was, but never got a response. The messages were coming about once every 3-6 weeks. Finally one day I received a message with words. After a long string of messages where the sender tried to get me to figure out who they were, advising me that they were married and letting me know what they wanted to do to me (explicitly advising me of how good they would make me feel, etc…), I finally unraveled this mystery. The guy finally fessed up to the fact that he was the husband of one of my nearest and dearest friends. Again I was DISGUSTED!

Example # 3: Just recently I hung out with a guy that I do not know very well at all. He initiated contact by inviting me to hang out so that we could get to know one another a little better (not sexually). Once I agreed he told me that he was excited and I told him it sounded like fun. We hung out one night watched a movie and chatted a little bit. I left that evening feeling like I may potentially have a new friend in my life and that he seemed like a nice enough guy. A few days later we hung out again and again I felt the same way upon going home; that is until I received a text message the following day. This less than subtle text said that he had really wanted to have sex with me the previous night. WOW!

I throw all of these examples out there as evidence to support my feelings on the topic of chivalry. These situations have only further affirmed my belief that it is in fact dead, now we need to understand why.

Let’s first analyze what exactly these guys are offering…the obvious answer is sex, right? The less than obvious answer is nothing. Nothing except for a completely self-absorbed action that really requires nothing from me or about me. They think they are offering something great?!?! This comes from the fact that a man’s world revolves around what he has between his legs. So the way he sees it is that it’s a nice suggestion for a nice time. The way I see it is different. (WARNING: what I’m about to say may sound crude, but it’s just as assertive of a response as the inquiry it derived from).

All this request says to me is that you are offering me some possible foreplay that will inevitably result in a big win for you, another notch on your belt that somehow lets you think you are “the man” and if I’m lucky (the likelihood of which is slim) a big “O” and lack of self-respect for myself. They think they are offering me a good time and I think they are offering me a big NOTHING!!!

At no point in any of these requests did these men say anything about how they liked me, thought about my wants or needs, appreciated me as a person. No nothing about any of it had to do with me. Hell all I really needed to be there for was to provide a hole. Nice…right?! Ridiculous is more like it.

You really just said to me that you didn't like or respect me at all. How flattering is that? Not one of these guys even attempted flattery. I didn't even get so much as a compliment to soften me up to the idea. What happened to courting? Yet again, another dead concept.

It can’t just be that all men really are this stupid can it? No it’s deeper than that.

Women men don’t just wake up one day and think today is the day that I’m going to be a complete creep and just say what I think. No it’s something that has probably worked for them in the past, which means that some woman out there said yes to these requests. Men treat us this way because we allow it.

Women we want to be equals so bad that we forget that we are not men. We don’t think or react the way that they do. Guys speak differently to each other than they do to us and they should. We don’t communicate the same way, but I for one don’t want some guy to burp, scratch his junk and make crude remarks about other women in front of me. I want them to be considerate and kind. Not fake, just respectful. That is not too much to ask.

We, the women of my generation have grown up watching Samantha on Sex and the City, listening to Madonna, reading Chelsea Handler and being advised to have a voice of our own. Yes a voice, but not a penis. We have every right to say that we want respect, now I say we demand it. Yes I can open my own freaking door, but it is super sweet when you do it.

We need to let guys know how much we appreciate these little things that they do for us so that they continue to do so. If they are not feeling valued why should they go that extra mile. We have to reaffirm that these are novel ideas they have, not just something expected. We have to let them know we appreciate their kindness so that they are more willing to offer it.

Samantha teaches us that women think of sex the same way men do, and some may, but I don’t. What is sex without feeling? Physically for me, as a woman if I don’t feel passion in my heart, I assure it will not be felt anywhere else. Madonna taught us to take control of our bodies and sexually to be equal to men. Chelsea has taught us to speak like men. I for one admire a lot of things about these women and what they represent, but I’m just not 100 percent on board with it all.

Yes, Samantha I should not be treated unequal in a man’s world, but I don’t want to be a man. I should be equal because I am a human. Yes, Madonna I should take control of my body, by saying no when I am rudely asked to sleep with someone I am taking that control. Yes, Chelsea it is not fair that men can say whatever they want and women are supposed to be submissive; seen but not heard. However, sometimes I like that I can talk about my feelings and emotions and not be laughed at or judged for doing so. Most men don’t have that luxury and when they do, we tell them how “gay” they are. Yes I appreciate these aspects of feminism, but within context.

Not all men can possibly be this closed minded and rude. Some of the most romantic things provided to us through pop culture are created by men. If they create it, then they think it. That tells me that they know the right thing.

Nicholas Sparks writes the most romantic, passionate thoughtful words into his stories. He creates emotionally moving works of art and he is a man. Neyo writes and sings songs about love and what men should do for their women. It’s thoughtful and kind and he is a man. There is evidence to suggest that men centuries ago were capable of chivalry; Going all the way back to William Shakespeare who wrote what could be argued to be the most romantic piece of literature of all-time, Romeo and Juliet. He wrote words and depicted male characters that truly, madly, deeply cared for their female counterparts. This is evident in his poetry and sonnets and he too was a man.

Women is it our fault that guys believe they can talk to us like this? Is it pop culture’s fault for saying that we are cool with it? Is it the parents of these men’s fault? Is it because these men have grown up in homes where fathers were absent so they have not been exposed to how it is that a man should treat a woman? Is it because their mothers are so busy they have not taught their sons what it is that women want or that they stayed in a bad relationship just because they did not want to be alone?

Same thing goes for the women of my generation; do we just accept that this is the way it should be because we have deep-rooted daddy issues? Did our mom’s teach us to climb that latter and be equal to men in every aspect of our lives. Or are we rebelling from the roles that our moms thought they were supposed to fulfill by being the stay-at-home mother and housewife. Are we trying to prove that we are better than our mothers?

I’m not sure who to place the blame on, but I am sure of one thing. Offering me your penis is not the same thing as offering me your heart and I promise you will not be receiving consent on my side if you have no interest in me beyond my body. Unlike Lady Gaga and R. Kelly’s new song, you cannot do what you want (what you want) with my body, because I am the full package. If you want my body you will also receive my heart, my mind, my respect, my loyalty and my love; which really is a much better deal.

Who do you think is to blame?  

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Lucky

Some of you may already know this about me and some of you may not, but I love me some Britney Spears! It's true and a fact that I simply won't deny. So when thinking about how to title this post it made sense to me to use one of her song titles. For those of you who are not familiar with the song, listen now...

For those of you who know it, then you can only assume what the rest of this post will be about...the answer to that is...Perception!

People always think the grass is greener elsewhere, but lets think about it. How can that be? Nobody's life is perfect and as cliché as it may sound it is true; people always want what they don't have. From the most minuscule thing, like the girl with curls who wishes for straight hair to big things like milestones in life.

Not too long ago I was talking to one of my friends about work and future plans. He told me I could go anywhere and that I was lucky to not have anything holding me back. He said, "Cassandra it's great that you're not attached to anything." What he meant as a compliment is the one thing that vividly stands out in my mind. 

Lucky? He thought I was lucky! I said nothing to him about this, as I know what he meant and continued the conversation like normal, but in the back of my head all I could think was...lucky?

To me, I took being unattached to mean, being empty and with nothing. That doesn't seem like a very fulfilling life, does it? 

Here's the deal, yeah I guess to some having no "obligations" or "attachments" would be a good thing, but I want to be obligated and attached. I want to matter enough to someone that it would impact them if I were to just up and leave. I want a family whose needs I put before my own. I want children to be a priority. I want to have to run my plan by someone else because I respect them enough to not just do whatever I want to do, I want to make decisions because they are what is best for "us", not just "me". So to some this may sound like a burden, but to me it sounds like perfection.

Yeah, I mean I guess it certainly has its perks and has at some points in my life made things much easier. Being young, I think it is important to have the option to be selfish, figure out who you are and what you want, but eventually it gets redundant just thinking about yourself. 

There is something wonderful about being able to care for and about someone else. I saw my mother do it her whole life, and where I wish she would have put herself first at times, her selflessness is one of her most admirable qualities. It gave her joy and happiness to make others feel joy and happiness. I think that's wonderful!

Another one of my friends and I were talking about how we had cabin fever while cooped up in our homes due to this years Snowmageddon/ice storm. I said I had an Amazon addiction and needed to watch myself. He said that was the good thing about being single; you can just buy things for yourself. 

Well yes I mean I guess, I am pretty much in love with the boots that I felt like I had to have, but they don't evoke the same feeling that I get when I walk by baby clothes at the store.

Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's that biological clock merely ticking away, or maybe it is simply that one man's trash is another man's treasure.

I urge you all to look at both sides of a scenerio in all instances, this will make you a more socially responsible person as well as a more intelligent individual. What you mean complimentary may not conjure the same emotions to someone else. Your thoughts? Lucky! or Lucky? Have you ever felt the opposite of the implication? Tell me all about it. These are my perceptions...

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Happy Birthday Mommy

There are quite literally a million wonderful things that I could say about my mom. If you were blessed enough to have had the chance to get to know her then there is no reason for me to elaborate because you already are aware of her unconditional love to all and her whole-hearted kindness. If you did not get to meet her, then you truly missed out on being in the presence of one truly amazing person. Stylistically, this is not like any other post I’ve ever written, but I feel it is truly the only way to go about it. With that said, feel free to read on. This one is really for her anyway.

Dear Mommy,

Mom, Marissa and I in 1991.

So many things have happened in the seven months that you have been gone. I have wanted to call you countless times and even by reaction started to before remembering that you can’t answer. I know that you already know everything that I want to tell you, but I really do miss being able to. There is so much that I wanted to do with you and for you, that I unfortunately cannot. Mom I wish I could have told you and asked you so many things. Please know that I love you more than words can express and I am sorry that I didn’t tell you so every single day.

To be honest, I am sorry about a lot of things. I am sorry for being so hateful and for believing that I knew everything. The fact is, I didn’t really know much, but as soon as I lost you I certainly gained some perspective. Sadly, there are certain things about you I didn’t get at all until then. I apologize for being so hard on you, I just wanted you to have more in life that what you were allotted, because there was truly nobody else that I thought deserved it more. I wish I had gone to church with you on Saturday nights when you asked me to. I am so regretful that I would not let things go. I’m sorry that I forgot that you wanted me to play Garth Brooks, “TheDance” at your funeral. I was so overwhelmed by the whole week that it didn’t even occur to me until weeks later. 

I was and am the luckiest person in the world, just because you are my mom. You taught me countless things, but most importantly I think, is that you taught me to love. It breaks my heart to think that you will not physically be there to sing with your beautiful voice and give me away at my wedding one day. My children, when I have them ( I mean people children, not Mischief, Sassy and Bentley), will not have the most wonderful grandma anyone could ask for and I will not have you there to teach me and remind me what it is that I need to do to be a wonderful mother to them. However, I do know that I learned from the best, I learned from you and even though I will not be able to see you, I know that you will be right there helping me through and guiding me along my way. I know you will, because you always have and even when I did not deserve it, you were there for me. 

Me, Mom and Josh in 1997.

I miss you every day. Now that you are gone there is a very empty place in my heart that will not be filled because Mom, you are my heart. You were my best friend, my cheerleader and my home. The hardest thing I ever had to do was let you go, please know that. I just always wanted to protect you and tried to until the very end. People tell me all the time how sorry they are and how wonderful you were. Mom do you know how amazing it is to hear from so many people how great you are?! You left some pretty big shoes to fill.

I look back on my life, and every single one of my best memories includes you. You played dress up with me and were never too busy to listen to me, or hug me or tell me that you love me. I guess because you always had the time to offer these things I didn’t realize how special they were. I always appreciated them, but had no idea how much I would miss them because it seems unreal that you are gone.

Like I said, I know that you already know all of this, but I got a new job that I really like, and I know this sounds silly, but I’m moving and for some reason it really upsets me. I think it’s because this will be my first place that you will not see. It’s like you won’t know where I live. It’s pretty ridiculous I know, but it is just another realization that I’ve had to face. I told you that I would do whatever I could to make you proud, and I promise you I will. You have my word, and we both know how insanely stubborn I am…lol. 

Mom and I at Senior Day at NSU 2009.

Sometimes when I miss you, I have several voicemails of yours saved on my phone and I just listen to them over and over, because it is just nice to hear your voice. I will listen to Bette Midler, watch movies like Beaches and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, visit your church and probably more than anything else, I will talk about you. I always have talked about you, telling stories about things we would do when I was younger, but I think I do it more now. I think it is my way of making sure people remember you and know that it is not just that I thought you were amazing because you were my mom, but that you really were. 

Mommy, thank you. Thank you for loving me all the time, no matter what. Thank you for all of the memories, thank you for believing in me and thank you for forgiving me for being a jerk. I’m glad that I got to know you as an adult. I’m glad that I got to be your person, and I know you would feel bad about confiding certain things in me, but know that I never felt bad about it. It made me feel special that you needed me because I had spent so much time needing you. It made me feel special that you treated me like an adult and thought I was mature enough to not just be your daughter, but also your friend. Mom, thank you so much for always making me feel special and important. Thank you for being my angel.

I know that you and Papa Gene are up there watching over us all. I cannot wait until the day that I can see you again. I also know that tomorrow OU will beat Texas if you and Poppy have anything to say about it…hahahaha. As hard as it was to do what I did, I would do it all over again if I knew that it meant I could spend just one more day with you and tell you all of these things. Thank you for being you and thank you for being my mom. I am proud of you and you were enough, more than enough. I am proud to have been your daughter.

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you and I miss you more than words can express. Until I see you again…

Love Always,

Your daughter and angel baby

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Suit and Tie

Men, men, men....I do not know where to begin, but what has happened to you all? I am beyond confused about this new epidemic of completely beautiful men thinking that the opposite sex is attracted to their new woodsman look. When we said we like Duck Dynasty that was to say that we think it is funny and that we enjoy watching the show with you, not that we want to take those men home and make babies with them.

Funny does not always mean sexy, unless we are talking about Ryan Reynolds of course.

Really what this makes me think of is the scene in Clueless when Cher is talking about not understanding the male population of her generations ensemble selection. I believe she says, "So okay, I don't want to be a traitor to my generation and all but I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, come on, it looks like they just fell out of bed and put on some baggy pants and take their greasy hair - ew - and cover it up with a backwards cap and like, we're expected to swoon? I don't think so."

Okay, well mountain men of my generation I can assure you that when the women of this generation see your "no shave November" look going into the months of March (because it has literally been that long since you cut your hair or shaved your face) we are not thinking, "mmmhmm, let me get me some of that". Instead you reminding us of Burt Reynolds character from the end of the movie Without a Paddle makes us think, well of just that...Burt Reynolds's character from Without a Paddle. He was funny, he was crazy, but sexy...he was not.

I will be perfectly honest here, I detest long hair on guys and I'm not much of a fan for facial hair, unless it is maintained, so I know my opinion may seem biased. If you are reading this and think, well this is just her opinion and obviously not what she is attracted to, then yes you would be somewhat right. I will not argue, this is my opinion that is fact, but really and truly the reason I, as well as several other women I have spoken with feel the way that we do about this new look that so many men are currently sporting is because it makes them look unkempt.

I do not think that physical appearance is the most important thing in the world. I do believe that what is on the inside is more important. In fact I know many people who I would not have considered hot at first glance, but now that I know them I think they are extremely attractive. With that being said, I am not the most shallow person in the world, but I do think it is imperative that we take care of ourselves.

When I see a man who looks like he needs to cut his hair and shave his face I immediately think he needs to bathe. Dirty is not sexy. Guys you may be squeaky clean, but in my head I'm thinking your not so fresh and so clean clean. This new trend suggests to me that you look this way because you don't care. Those who don't care are lazy. Lazy is not an adjective that people want associated with themselves. Looking messy tells me that you do not care about yourself and are probably lacking in hygiene. Hygiene is a must!

When I see a man who looks like he doesn't care about himself it is a tell tell sign to me that he will not care about anyone else either and why would I want to be with a man like that? Why would any woman want to be with a man that could never care for her? If you don't care enough to care about yourself, you obviously will never care about me. No woman that I know of would want these qualities in a man.

I miss the olden days when people were classy and had personal pride in themselves. They woke up in the mornings and got DRESSED. Men and women. They did not just roll out and go because that simply would not be acceptable. The suit is a classic and one that few men these days seem utilize.

Suits are like a magic weapon that men forget about. Obviously there is more to it than just throwing on the suit, but it's a big step. Suits are sexy, they make men look sexy, they evoke a sense of power that is indescribable. If a man wears a suit and has shaved his face, fixed his hair and look like he actually gave a shit before he walked out of his house then his sex appeal multiplies immensely.

The fact is men, like it or not, a classic is a classic for a reason. The suit is the equivalent to our "little black dress". It just works! Men are much more visual creatures than women, this is why statistically a man is more likely to have a porn addiction than a woman. So men think of it this way... a well tailored suit is to women what lingerie is to men. Men think about how much it turns you on to see us in sexy lingerie...don't you want to turn us on the same way?

These are merely some suggestions to the burley men of my generation. Consider all that I have said and take it to heart. If a suit is not your thing then just do this and I promise it will dramatically increase your sex appeal...are you ready for the secret...are you...are you hanging at the edge of your seat...here it goes...I'll tell you...this is all you have to do...cut your hair and shave your face. Let us see those beautiful features that God gave you. If I have to search for your lips under all that hair that is on your face I am not going to want to kiss them (no matter how good of a kisser you are). That's it. The big secret is out, now if you want to turn an entire 180 then I suggest you suit up!

Here is some pictoral proof. Enjoy!

 

Love Always,

 

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."

Let's Get Married: The Rules: Unplugged

If pop sensation Beyoncé Knowles Carter says it is so, then it must be huh? Well this statement of course is debatable, but who should question the iconic diva who seems to have all things going her way? She is part of the biggest girl groups of the late 90’s into the early 2000’s, has a phenomenal solo career, married one of hip hop’s biggest rap tycoon’s, thus making them one of the biggest power couples in the world and even has a precious baby that has a name unlike that of any other. Miss Blue Ivy is the only of her kind because Mommy Beyoncé and Daddy Jay-Z put that name on lock to ensure that nobody else would be copying their little girl’s name.

From the sounds of it Beyoncé knows a thing or two, so when she suggested that women take her advice on how to land a man and make him “put a ring on it”, these women would be crazy not to listen to the crazy in love singer right? Beyoncé said you need to be a rules girl and this is what lead to the reawakening of the once popular book all over again.

I’m not sure how many of you are familiar with “The Rules” or the new version of this once controversial book that has been updated to address the rules of dating for women in the digital era. The newly revised version of this best-selling novel is entitled, “The New Rules: The dating dos and don’ts for the digital generation”. According to the cover of this book, “If you’re one of the few women on planet Earth who have not heard of the book, where have you been?” I for one think it is my civic duty to make sure that you are not left in the dark or made to feel like you’ve been living under a rock so I will not only tell you all about the book, but also give you my thoughts and feelings regarding it.

Here is a brief background on the original novel. The Rules came out in 1995 and was not widely accepted by feminist groups due to the fact that the book suggests that it is the man’s job to pursue a relationship. For those involved in the feminist movement this is a complete contradiction to the idea that a woman is capable of doing anything that a man can. The controversy surrounding this book only made it that much more popular.

After Mrs. Sean Carter put her mark on it, the author’s Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider with the assistance of their college-aged daughters referred to in the new book as “Rules Daughter’s” saw the opportunity to dip into a previously lucrative investment and make even more money off of it. So that is just what they did! Re-wrote their old book and threw in some chapters about how to make it relatable to things women have to deal with today and didn’t 15-20 years ago.

Some of the new things would be Instant messaging, texting, sexting, online dating, etc… I have some very strong opinions when it comes to online dating, so I thought it might be interesting to hear another perspective (other than my friends who utilize this ‘scene’ as a plausible option for meeting new people). So I ordered the book and read it. Upon completion these are my thoughts.

It is a simplified dating strategy book created to help us find a man to “put a ring on it” because after all that is what all the single ladies want right? To be married?! I for one do want to be a married woman with the standard 2.5 children etc… I also have some friends who know that they do not want to be married women and certainly do not want to have any children. I don’t think that there is a thing in the world wrong with knowing what one wants and what they don’t.

 I also have male friends who want to be married and one’s that don’t. I think that is important to know too. The difference being that if a man wants to be a perpetual bachelor he is considered a George Clooney and that is sexy. If a woman doesn’t want these things then there is something wrong with her or she is a lesbian. This is the social default to these scenarios; something that I firmly disagree with.

The book is broken down to 31 different rules, much less than that of wedding crashing and some I agree with wholeheartedly and others I am less than happy with. The rules are basically as follows:

The book says to be mysterious and suggests many ways to do this and then it says to look a certain way. If all women follow these rules won’t we all look the same and if so does that make us a creature unlike any other or does that make us all the same? Plus who is to say that all men are attracted to the exact same thing? Everyone has a type right?

The book says that women are never to approach, ask out,  talk, flirt, text, FB, Tweet, IM, e-mail, Skype, sit or stand next to a guy first. Let the man approach you. If you do any of these things than you are simply prolonging the inevitable and that is that the relationship will end if it ever starts. It is up to a man as to whether or not a relationship is going to go somewhere or not and there is not a thing in the world a woman can do to change that. This concept kind of bothers me. Does that mean that if only guys that I am not interested in are interested in me, then I either need to settle for one of them or be alone? How does that work for me?

Ladies one of the things that I do agree with from the book is that at times we can be over eager and this can push guys away. This is due to the fact that we have had to kiss so many toads before finding our prince and once some guys comes in and we have the slightest suspicion that he might be “the one”, we go bat-shit. Respond to his texts seconds after we receive one, blow his phone up, write all over his wall, basically start marking our territory. Unless your boy is R. Kelly this approach will not work. We e-mail and text novels (which nobody has time to read), we talk…talk…talk.

The over-talking thing is no bueno. Not only do we leave out all mystery, but it’s exhausting. When I say we do this, we not only do this to the guys in our lives, but we also seem to do it to our best friends. When we aren’t talking to the guy we are talking about them. The guy hates this and your friends do too. We liked you just fine before you met THIS GUY. Your friends are friends with you…not with him. Don’t ruin friendships over your obsessiveness. I have a friend who doesn’t know how to talk about anything besides guys. She is an online dater so there are times that I can’t keep track of which one is which and she goes through them so quickly there really is no point in listening because next week we will be talking about another one. It’s annoying to say the least, but I let it slide because I talk about the same non-relationship guy I have had in my life with her all the time too, which I am sure is equally as annoying.

We tend to let men and our relationship become all consuming, as though they are the very air to our lungs. Women we make them too much a part of our lives when in actuality we may simply be a very miniscule part of theirs. Another thing about this is that we have no shame about this AT ALL. It’s like we want them to know that we will re-arrange our lives around them. What we need to remember is that we had a life before this man and if it comes down to it we will still have one after him. This is super duper important and something I whole-heartedly agreed with.

The book suggests not making ourselves too available. This is necessary. And as much as it says to not make it seem like he is the most important thing in your life, simplify that…don’t make him the most important thing in your life until you are the most important thing in his. We should not just hang out all the time with this guy or cancel our plans when he comes up with some last minute. He is not the only person in your life. When he says jump, don’t say how high. Some self-respect is completely necessary for a healthy relationship and ladies we are not stupid so we should know this already.

The points that the book address in terms of self-respect are not ones that I felt necessary to be lectured because to me they should be common knowledge, but apparently that is not the case for everyone so in a nut-shell this is what Fein and Schneider have to say: Don’t pay for everything, if you do how will you know if he likes you or what you can do for him, J.LO said it best when she advised that her love don’t cost a thing. Don’t always be the one to show up to his place, make him put forth effort to see you…or else maybe you are just a convenient lay? Don’t relocate for a guy unless there has been some kind of serious commitment conversation had and he is equally as willing to move for you. Ladies this means don’t job hunt or look for colleges that are closer to your guy…or the guy you want to be yours.

Ladies why do we do this to ourselves? Some cute guy smiles at us and we get those butterflies in our tummy and all of a sudden the world we lived in prior to our interaction with this man means nothing and we cannot see a world for ourselves without him in it. We are willing to do anything…including leave everyone and everything we know behind just to be near him? This is retarded!!! Don’t ever invest that much in someone if they don’t do the same for you.

Some other obvious things mentioned in the book that I looked at and thought… “well no shit” were these: don’t get wasted on dates or at parties, not only is this not safe you run the risk of saying and doing things you normally wouldn’t say or do. Don’t sext because you never know what he will do with these pictures, don’t accept booty calls, wait before you end up having sex with him, don’t date somebody who cancels on you more than one time, don’t be self-destructive by dating married men, unavailable men or those who give mixed-messages about where you stand in their life, be sure to weed out bad guys (meaning those who cheat, have addiction problems, are players or all around time wasters).

OK so maybe I say no duh…pretty sure I’ve been guilty of SOME of these things…but why? I’m not stupid so why have I fallen into some of these patterns? Because I am a woman and that is what we do. We make excuses for these guys and inevitably let them run the whole game. Some of the best romantic comedies address these very things and still we perpetuate this kind of life. So is it art reflecting life or life reflecting art?

The movie He’s Just Not That Into You is easily about The Rules and had these women followed “The Rules” they wouldn’t be left broken-hearted, blah, blah, blah, except for those that are the exception…it gets complicated obviously. Then look at “The Ugly Truth” with Katherine Hiegl and Gerard Butler. She’s crazy with all these checklists and rules and regulations to dating, to which nasty bad boy Butler with a heartbreaking back story which makes him a broken thing to mend, responds by telling her she is nuts and that guys really are as deep as a puddle. In the end everything works out for these two because it is just crazy enough to work out. They balance each other, etc… Well ladies be realistic we are not all adorable, sweet and warm under our possessive and control freak exterior, not every woman is Dr. Izzie Stevens the same way not every asshole guy is going to turn out to be Gerard Butler. Some guys are just assholes and some chicks are just crazy ass control freaks. Period!

Don’t Facebook stalk is another rule. This is to keep you from sounding like a psycho by accidently bringing up things that you would only know if you had creeped his page. Funny how this is something that women don’t think of as being creepy, but something that will send a guy flying in the opposite direction almost immediately. Guys consider it doing homework, women get obsessive and make it part of their daily routine, same as brushing their teeth and hair. I once talked to an extremely eloquent guy (because my taste is impeccable) and he would tell me things about myself that he would only know from FB and I let it go as he was doing his research, but he would insist that I only knew certain things about him because I was doing the same thing…this was not the case. I was just a much better listener with a much better memory than him. He then would mention things about his ex and how she was crazy with him on Facebook and creeped through his stuff like crazy because, “BBC”…which he advised me meant Bitches Be Crazy! Which can of course be true…same could be said about men sometimes.

 The book also says to go to the gym because let’s face it guys don’t want to be with a big girl…well that may be one reason I guess, but really we should take care of ourselves for us. If you don’t love yourself how do you expect anyone else to? Go to the gym…yes, but do it for you, not so that you can be landed by some guy.

If you like it then you should have put a ring on it comes into play with rule number 30. “Don’t date indefinitely without a commitment”. Like we have heard a million times before, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? This is my entire problem with “playing house”. It’s a personal decision and one that you can agree or disagree with, but for me when I get married one day I don’t want it to be just someday where we go back to our home that we have already lived in and settle back into our regular routine…I want it to be new. I don’t want to cohabitate because I want our homes to be separate until we are husband and wife. Not everyone feels this way, but I do. I respect your opinions and know a million people who I am close to that have lived with their spouse prior to marriage and that is just fine for them…just not my thing.

The biggest thing I took from this book was to be confident in yourself, play the game, but make him think that it is all his idea, use some common sense, don’t be a skank, respect yourself and you too will be the next Mrs. Whomever. If you follow these rules and become a rules girl everything will work out just fine.

The BIGGEST PROBLEM I have with this book is this: 1)I HATE with a passion that dating is considered a game and that there are rules at all. If I find my Mr. Right should it really be that hard? 2) I like rule-breakers (you know bad boys that go against the grain) so does this even pertain to me…or this particular breed of man? 3) We bitch and bitch about guys playing games with us (BSB said to Quit Playing Games with Their Hearts, and I took note)…but this book is a guideline on how to play THE GAME…why? 4) WOMEN, MEN DO NOT READ BOOKS TELLING THEM HOW TO GET MARRIED OR FIND A RELATIONSHIP…SO WHY DO WE? Our entire lives we are told that girls are smarter than boys, but maybe they have something figured out that we don’t. They don’t need somebody to tell them how to do this…they just do it! To me that is freaking awesome. Way to be a go-getter guys!

WHAT WE SHOULD DO:  Take the good things from this book, make a personal investment in yourself, love you so that when you are faced with that special someone you will be confident in you. Be open to new possibilities because you never know where or when you will meet that person. Don’t make them a bigger deal to you than you are to them. Be honest with yourself about the person that you are with and don’t make excuses or hang out in limbo waiting for them. If it is long distance make sure he is willing to come to you before you go off and see him a million times. Relationships should be equal. Love long, love hard and know that if it doesn’t work out with one person that doesn’t mean it won’t work out with another. Heart break sucks, but you can always learn something about yourself from the experience. Figure out who you are and what you want. Be very honest about that and don’t make compromises with things that are important to you. Love yourself and he will too.

These are just my thoughts and if you are a rules girl and this has worked for you…I’d love to hear all about it. Guys what are things that are make or break for you? I’d love to compare and contrast with what I read in the book, my personal experiences and what YOU have to say. Commentary from both sexes is always welcome. Not just welcome, but appreciated! I hope to hear from you all soon!!!!  

Love Always,

Cassandra B.

"The Other C.B."